Archive for September 2011
Two days ago, my second granddaughter, Naomi, was born. It’s so fun watching a newborn! She wiggles and stretches, arches and curls. Her face scrunches, then she lifts her eyelids open by pulling up all the way from her scalp. Her little mouth smirks and grimaces and yawns. But brush her cheek, and automatically, that head turns and pursed lips open in search of that wonderful source of nourishment, Mom’s breast. And when she’s actually hungry? “Waaaaaahhhh! I want my milk and I want it NOW!” Once she’s latched on, her obvious satisfaction with her sustenance is amply attested to by her many little pleased sighs as she swallows. Unlike her sister, who had great difficulty nursing, Naomi gives all the indications of being a champion at it.
Baby’s are designed to want to nurse, and to eagerly desire Mom’s milk. The more science learns about breast milk, the more amazing we realize is God’s design of it. Breast milk is a living liquid, its nutritional composition changing with every feeding, with the time of day, with the age of the infant. Morning milk is highest in fat, which is why that first-shot-of-the-day nursing tends to leave our little ones lolling sated like a slightly drunken sailor. Evening milk is thin and poor in comparison, which is why Baby tends to want to be a prime-time permanent attachment. Any germs Baby has contracted are passed back to Mom through the nipple; her immune system manufactures antibodies that are then passed back to Baby through the milk, helping keep Baby from getting sick. (Though, of course, if Mom succumbs to it, Baby probably will get it, too!) Although the modern trend is to start infants on solid foods between 4-6 months, babies can grow on just breast milk for up to a year. It is that complete!
So … watching the eagerness with which Naomi approaches nursing has had a verse running through my head the last few days. It’s from I Peter 2:2 “Like newborn infants, crave the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation – if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.” The point, of course, isn’t that we are to stay forever infantile in our spiritual walk! The focus is rather on the intensity with which we should be seeking our spiritual sustenance, what sustenance we should be seeking, and what the purpose of that sustenance is.
Though some translations use the alternate phrasing of “long for” or “desire”, I like the term “crave” because it carries a note of intensity with it that isn’t as clear as the others. Most women who have been pregnant can relate to that word “crave”! When you’ve got a craving, your mind, mouth and stomach are fixated on one thing, and one thing only. You want it so badly you can smell it, taste it, feel it in your mouth. It can keep you awake at night thinking about it. Like a newborn infant, then, we are to crave – earnestly, fervently, intensely desire – our spiritual milk. We need to be careful that we don’t let ourselves get so distracted by other things in this life that we forget to get hungry!
We also have to be careful what we let ourselves get hungry for. We are to crave “pure spiritual milk”. The Greek word for ‘spiritual’ here is from the same root as Logos, the Word, so in this context, our milk should be coming from the Word of God. It needs to be pure – not pasteurized, not homogenized, nothing added. Whole, not skim or 2%. There are numerous inspirational authors out there, libraries full of thought-provoking books, nearly endless challenging sermons to be listened to. All have their benefits, but none should ever take the place of that pure spiritual milk that, like breast milk, is living and active, fresh each time you partake of it, meeting each new need as it comes.
What’s the purpose of that milk? Is it just to make us feel full and happy? If a baby were nursing perfectly well but wasn’t gaining weight or changing at all from what he was as a newborn, we’d know there was a problem, because any normal infant who is getting plenty of good nourishment and care is going to grow and develop. In the same way, those who are feeding on the Word should be growing and developing, too. The Greek term used in the verse – “…so that you may grow up into salvation…” – refers to the normal development of children into adulthood. The sanctification process is like child development, a growth process, a creeping-crawling-cruising-toddling-walking-running progression into maturity. We will never be perfect, and the more mature we get the farther we realize we have to go, but the general trend should always be one of moving forward.
One of the qualities of breast milk is that it is naturally sweet. It’s not just good for babies; it tastes good, too! It is in every way desirable. In the same way, we who are believers HAVE tasted and seen that the Lord is good. He has saved us by His grace, through no effort of our own, from the depths of sin and hell. Is that not goodness? He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in Him. Is that not goodness? He has given us sunrise and sunset, sunshine and rain, mountains, oceans, flowers, a whole world of wonder. Is that not goodness? If you are reading this, you are obviously ALIVE, breathing, with vision and wit enough to understand (and I to write!) Is that not goodness? If we keep in mind just the goodness of the Lord that we have already tasted, it should surely whet our appetite for more!
So…… got milk?
This train doesn’t go there
Posted on: September 25, 2011
A few months ago I picked up a habit again that I have done off and on since college – reading the chapter of The Book of Proverbs that corresponds to the day of the month.
I love the rich visual imagery used in so many of the proverbs, such as 11:22 “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” or 26:2 “Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest”. Or how about the section dealing with the young man caught by the adulteress, who goes with her as “an ox going to the slaughter, or a deer stepping into the noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare.” From the one comparing a nagging wife to “constant dripping on a rainy day”, you get the idea that the writer had some experience of what he was writing about!
There is a such a wealth of wisdom to be found in this book. Like all Scripture, it is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. 3: 5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” is probably one of the most well-known verses in Scripture. 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” is echoed in many other passages throughout the Bible. However, one thing the Book of Proverbs is not is The Book of PROMISES. There is a difference between what is Truth and what is a truism. The dictionary definition of a proverb is “a short popular saying, usually of unknown or ancient origin, that expresses effectively some commonplace truth or useful thought.” Even the definition for a Biblical proverb is “a profound saying, maxim, or oracular utterance requiring interpretation”. The book says of itself that these are “teachings” and “sayings of the wise”. We need to be careful about making them all into “thus sayeth the Lord” absolutes.
There are many proverbs that speak in black and white of what is never that cut-and-dried in real life. Look at 13:25 “The righteous eat to their heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry”. Do these verses mean that there can never be a hungry Christian? Of course not! If proverbs are absolutes, then what do we make of 16:7? “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies live at peace with him.” There are times that this proverb has been realized; we all have seen or heard of godly men and women who have won the respect of even their opponents. However, every prophet ever killed, every Christian ever martyred – our Lord Himself on the cross! – stand as witnesses to the fact that this is a truism, not a promise.
When it comes to parenting, of course, the ultimate example of this proverb-as-promise misconstruction is (all together, now, 1, 2, 3): “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (22:6) It’s engraved on our gray matter. It’s the mantra of a plethora of parenting books. Many a parent of a prodigal clings to it as fiercely as a drowning man does a life-raft. The trouble is, of course, that it is NOT a promise.
This proverb is generally true. The majority of adults live lives on a trajectory begun in childhood. Thus, children who are raised with godly training in a loving home where God is glorified will, indeed, more often than not, continue on that drift upon reaching adulthood. BUT there have been, are, and ever will be those that eschew their training, some of whom will return to their roots after a sojourn away, and some who will not. With examples of this from past and present surrounding us, why are we so ready to try to turn this proverb into a promise?
I believe the reason is that if we take it as a promise, it puts US in control of our children’s destinies. We can accept salvation by grace for ourselves, but by golly, we are going to save our kids by our works! If we just do everything “right”, then we can be certain of the outcome, either by keeping our kids on the path in the first place, or by putting into play a spiritual boomerang effect that will compel them to return to it at a later date. Oh, how we want guarantees for our kids!
The first brick wall we hit in trying to force this proverb into promise status, though, is …. ourselves. If we take this as a promise, then it is predicated on the perfection of our parenting to activate it. That is, how our kids turn out rests entirely on our shoulders. If our kids turn out to be all that we hope for, then we get to take all the credit for it; we must have trained them right. If our kids go off the path, we may take the defensive position that we did train them right, so of course they’ll be back, or we may blame ourselves for it, making assumptions of having God-like knowledge that if we’d done this differently or that better then certainly our kids would have gone the right way; we must not have trained them right. All of these responses are wrong, for all are focused on us and our own efforts and a perception of what those efforts earn us a right to: a guaranteed outcome.
Now, even assuming for just a fraction of a second that we could be perfect parents, the second brick wall to taking this proverb as a promise is the other party in the transaction – our kids. Kids are not simply a product of their upbringing and situation. The world is full of people raised in similar situations, even in the same home, who nevertheless developed in totally different ways. One abused child grows up to be a caring, compassionate social worker, while another becomes a sociopath! God was the Perfect parent for Adam and Eve, yet they walked wide-eyed awake right off the path, knowing full well they were doing so. Our kids are born with their very own full-up supply of Original Sin, and no matter what we do or do not do as parents, no matter how close we come to being God-perfect in how we train them, our training cannot control what their response to it will be. Though they will generally tend to follow the path they start on, it doesn’t always play out that way. Our children’s choice can trump any training.
If they do choose to walk away? This proverb is not a promise that they’ll be back. That’s the hard but simple truth. No matter how much it hurts to think about, we can’t focus on the “old” as a talisman against the possibility that the circle will be broken. To do so is a false hope, for it is predicated on our trust in our training and a denial our children’s self-determination.
Neither the perfection of our parenting nor the reliability of our children’s responses are anything to trust. So what do we do? We train our children in the way they should go with the best of the wisdom that God gives us – and then we let them go. If they continue in the path on which we set their feet, then we praise God and thank Him for His surpassing grace that brought them there in spite of our imperfect parenting. If they leave the path, then we put our hope, not in our training of them, but rather in the sure and certain knowledge of God’s infinite love, justice, and mercy, never ceasing to bring our children’s names to the throne of grace, yet leaving the ultimate outcome in His hands. We do the best we can as parents because it is the right thing to do, not because it’s our quarter in the Proverbs 22:6 gumball machine so we get out our promised outcome.
Training may bring our kids to the station, but it won’t guarantee their ticket onto the train bound for glory.
A covered event
Posted on: September 18, 2011
It can be interesting reading through an insurance policy and looking at just what all is considered a “covered event”. House blown up by a gas explosion? Yes. By a terrorist’s bomb? No. Kitchen flooded by a nearby overflowing stream? No. By a break in the line to your ice-maker? Yes. Health insurance has its own intricacies. It’s always up to the insured to understand what is or isn’t covered. Sometimes, even if something is covered, if it’s found that you didn’t exercise “due diligence” in trying to prevent an occurrence – failing to maintain your vehicle’s brakes, doing your own faulty wiring, leaving doors unlocked – you could find your insurance company refusing to pay up, or at least reducing your claim payment.
I was thinking about this while reading a sobering and excellent article last night on parenting, “Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers” by Reb Bradley http://www.familyministries.com/HS_Crisis.htm. (There’s also a shortened version of it on Josh Harris’s blog.) The author does an excellent job of dissecting a number of problems common not just to homeschoolers, but some of them to parents in general, especially those of conservative bent. I would recommend it for any parent who wants to be challenged to self-reflection. But be warned – if your kids are already grown or well into their teens, and you see yourself in this article, you could end up feeling terribly guilty, exceedingly depressed, and convinced that you had thoroughly “blown it”.
That’s a common type of parenting regret. We parented following some direction – maybe some teaching, a book, a class. Or maybe we just went with our own intuition. We were so sure we were doing The Right Thing! Our intentions were entirely honorable and lofty, and because we knew that our goals were right, we were convinced that our methods must be as well. Then somehow we ran across somebody who challenged our ideas – an article like this one, a talk with a friend, a talk show – and we started seeing things in a different light. We realized that what we’d been doing wasn’t, in fact, the best way after all. We didn’t MEAN to short-change our kids, but we just didn’t know better.
Then there are things we did know. We may like to comfort ourselves by saying, “Well, I did the best I could” – but we all know that’s not always been true. We don’t always do the best we could. We often do “know better”, but for whatever reason, we choose not to do it. We’re tired, so we yell. We’re frustrated, so we make a hasty judgment in a dispute. We’ve got a headache, so we get sarcastic. We’re in a hurry through our own fault, so we get impatient at the naturally slower tempo of our children. Whatever our excuse, sometimes we just do make the wrong choice.
All parents have regrets of the general wish-I’d-done-it-differently type, too – things that weren’t “wrong”, per se, but that if we had it to do over again, we’d change. Less housework, more Play-Doh. Less “no” and more “yes”. More “Way to go!” and less “Cut that out!” More mud puddles, less hurry. Maybe we wish we’d gone camping, or travelled, bought a bigger house, bought a smaller house, did more school, did less school. There’s never a shortage of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.
Sometimes the things we feel bad about are things that were beyond our control. I have always had a major temper problem with my kids. It frightened me how angry how quickly I could become. I yelled. A lot. Over-the-top! Part of me always felt “trapped” inside, watching myself do those things, unable to stop myself, hating what was going on, but unable to stop, no matter how much I prayed about it or had others pray for me. A year ago, I was (finally!) diagnosed with Bipolar II, a somewhat milder version of the more infamous form most likely to make the news. Suddenly, I understood what was going on all for those years. (I’m on medication now that has made a wonderful difference.) Although I know intellectually now that I was not responsible for those bipolar-induced anger episodes, it doesn’t stop my heart from still aching over the pain my family went through.
So… what does all this have to do with insurance?? As far as God is concerned, all those mistakes of parenting are COVERED EVENTS! Yes, indeed. Says so, right there in our insurance policy. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. and “If we confess our sins, God, Who is faithful and just, will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John. 1:9 and “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” It means just what it says. Whether we need forgiveness for doing what we knew we shouldn’t, or grace for doing wrong out of ignorance, for not doing what we wish we had, or for doing what we couldn’t help, it’s all COVERED! He never says, “Well, you should have known better, so this one you’re stuck with.” or “I told you so!” or “How could you?!” No, His forgiveness and grace cover everything, mercifully, freely, with abundant grace.
The insurance commercial shows everything rewinding back to where you have all your old life intact, as if the disaster never happened, but of course, we know real life isn’t like that. Forgiveness and no condemnation don’t mean we get a “do over”. The fact that God has covered our sins and short-comings, doesn’t necessarily change the situation we’re in – but it should change our perspective and how we deal with whatever we face. We may still feel sadness over the past, but rather than wasting precious time and emotional energy beating ourselves up over things that can’t be changed, we need to extend to ourselves the same compassion that HE does. He remembers our frame far better than we allow ourselves to. We cannot change the past, any more than Paul could erase his haunting pre-conversion history, but, like him, we can press forward and change what we’re doing now. When we see through God’s perspective of being covered, He can help us remember that while we are responsible for how we parent, our kids are responsible for their response. We’ve all seen kids come from great families yet end up going wild, or from terrible families yet turn out great, haven’t we? It’s simplistic – and even egotistical – to try to take all the blame or credit ourselves for how our kids turn out. What a relief to let go of that burden! I think the most important thing about grasping what it means for all our sins, errors, faults, short-comings, and regrets to be covered is to understand that God is bigger than our blunders, and we can trust that He will use even our blunders for His purposes. There is nothing we have done as parents that is beyond God’s ability to deal with. Nothing we have done has ever caught God unawares or unprepared. He’s never yet said, “Oh, my goodness, I didn’t see that one coming. Now what on earth am I going to do??” Unlike the insurance agent who must wait for the call to know of a claim, He not only knows the call will come, but is already planning the repairs before we even know we’re going to need them.
We’re not just in “good hands” – we’re in the Best. We don’t just have a “good neighbor”, we have a loving Father. Our Agent paid a premium no one else could pay to get us our policy, and there are no exclusions on it. Relax! He’s got us covered!
Cooking ahead
Posted on: September 14, 2011
I don’t particularly care for cooking, so I try to find ways to reduce the time I spend on it. For instance, I just spent about 5 hours cooking. I buy large quantities of hamburger, and chicken and process them all, then vacuum pack and freeze them; some I freeze as full dinners – garlic lime chicken, meatloaf, Swedish meatballs – and some as ready-to-use for other dishes. Bags of cooked burger may end up as stroganoff, spaghetti, chili or tacos; shredded chicken may be chicken alfredo, burritos, or Jillian Likes It Rice Casserole. It gives me an incredible feeling of security to have all those dinners in the freezer, ready at a moments’ notice, tasting like they were just made. One long day of cooking gives me two months of benefits!
However, there just are some foods that don’t lend themselves to being done this way. Macaroni and cheese? Yeah, freezing just doesn’t work. Our favorite Scandihoovian pancake-type dish, aebleskivers, simply must be hot out of that lovely dimpled pan or they’re just not …. aebleskiver! I suspect souffles would probably fall in this category, too.
I’m afraid I sometimes seem to think I could run my spiritual life like I do my cooking. I could spend a nice, long afternoon doing reading and prayer, and then I’d start making my bags. I would make a few bags of patience, for example. Faithfulness. Forgiveness. I’d prepare some gentle answers, and a some encouragement. Hope would make a nice package, too. For the really desperate, last minute times, there would be prayer and trust. Maybe I could just get a dehydrator for the Fruit of the Spirit. (Fruit leather, anyone?) Once I had all everything nicely bagged up, I could toss them in storage and never give them another thought until I needed one, then – voila! – pull it out and all would be well. One afternoon’s spiritual work for several months’ sanctification!
Doesn’t work that way, though, does it? The disciplines and virtues of the Christian life need to be fresh daily. If we haven’t been working on developing patience along the way, it’s foolish to think that when some big test of it comes along it’s suddenly going to be there. If we haven’t been practicing forgiveness in all the little things that happen in life, how much harder will it be to forgive when a truly horrendous thing happens? If we don’t work on trusting Him when we can see at least part of our way, it will be hard going to trust Him when we find ourselves in the deep dark. God certainly is merciful and may grant the “prayer of last resort” – but how much better to be in such constant communication that prayer is our first line of defense rather than the “last desperate measure”!
Just as His mercies are new every morning, so should our journey with Him be. It can be good to have the occasional long day of concentrated spiritual preparation, the weekend retreat, the conference, but those can never take the place of the day in and day out, step by step walk with Him. As others have said, little things done frequently matter more than great things done infrequently!
All this talk of cooking is making me hungry. Think I’ll go find a snack… There are brownies in the kitchen – FRESH, not frozen!
Lord, please meet that need
Posted on: September 11, 2011
One of the most profound lessons on prayer I ever witnessed took place in the middle of a service at Mercer Island Covenant Church back when I was in college ’80 or ’81. I always enjoyed Pastor Bud’s sermons, and in personal conversation he had blessed me with some very good insight that was enormously helpful in getting through a hard situation.
On this particular Sunday, in the middle of his sermon, the still of the sanctuary was suddenly pierced by the growing wail of several emergency vehicles. As they drew nearer, they drowned out Pastor’s voice, so he stopped speaking and waited for their sirens to finish passing. As the last of the sound died away, he bowed his head and quietly said, “Lord, those sirens mean there is a need. Please meet that need.” Raising his head, he proceeded with his sermon as if there had never been an interruption. For me, though, that “interruption” was the sermon.
There are two particular lessons I took from the episode. 1. Pastor let events of the moment move him in the moment. It is easy to witness something and intend to pray about it later, but then forget. Don’t let opportunities pass you by. 2. The prayer was simple and short. Pastor didn’t know anything about the situation. I don’t remember for sure if we could even tell exactly which kind of emergency vehicles they were that went by. It was enough that God knew the details.
Ever since that day, I have continued the same prayer when I see or hear emergency vehicles, and I find there are many other opportunities for such ‘telegram’ prayers. See a police car? Pray, “Lord, protect them” or “Lord, let them act justly”. Pray safety for a fire truck or ambulance. Going by a school, pray that truth would be taught, that Christian students and teachers would be lights, that all would be protected. By City Hall? “Let integrity guide them.” By a grocery store? Say, “Lord, thank you for the abundance of food in this country!” Being aware of these opportunities for prayer as we go about our business is one way to help keep the conversation with God going all day.
May we be ever alert for those situations where we, too, can interrupt our day to say, “Lord, please meet that need!”
Shedding the “shoulds”
Posted on: September 10, 2011
Ah, the “should”! I don’t mean the actual “right” and “wrong” type of should, as in “You should be truthful on your tax return.” I mean that vague “should” that you somehow feel obligated to live up to; the ones imposed by the nameless They, by family, by strangers in the grocery store, or even by ourselves. I mentioned “the mother that lives in my head” the other day. I think we all have some version of her, a mental construct of someone who we imagine would be living our life better than we’re doing it, and who is constantly criticizing us for all the things we “should” or “shouldn’t” do. There is no end of things about which we can create a “should”. Sometimes the “should” is entirely arbitrary, such as manners. That’s why culture to culture differs so. Here, it’s rude to belch; in Japan, it’s a compliment to the cook! (I think my son thinks he’s Japanese…) Some of our “shoulds” may have some basis in reason, but really, when you get down to it, are still just a matter of opinion. Ever read the debates in Dear Abbey about which way the toilet paper “should” hang? Talk about a tempest in a teapot! Some of us are more susceptible to the “shoulds” than others. How many “shoulds” are you carrying around?
For example, take fashion. Who elected those Fashion Elite to dictate what is or is not acceptable? I grew up with some very strict fashion rules, such as: Don’t mix patterns; plaids don’t go with polka dots don’t go with paisleys don’t go with anything but solids. Stripes were a little less strict; you might wear them combined with certain floral or other prints if you did it carefully. Certain color combinations were taboo, too. One did NOT attempt the union of say, purple and orange and red. It simply wasn’t done. I never cared about dressing fashionably as far as following all the current styles and such, but I confess that I internalized many of these more general pseudo-rules. Then I had kids, who each had their own ideas about what did or did not go together! Not that I didn’t still try to instill some of my fashion prejudices, of course. I mostly lost. But really now I’m glad of it. Why would I want my kids to carry someone else’s “shoulds” around? And God’s sense of humor is showing lately: my dear daughter-in-law, who majored in fashion design and has tastes very different from mine, is outfitting the nursery for our impending third granddaughter in …. purples and oranges and reds! 😉
There are a lot of “shoulds” that weigh parents down. Your child is a year old – he “should” be talking! My child is two and a half and not potty trained?? She “should” be by now! There are all the contradictory “shoulds” of parenting: You “should” spank; no, you “should” use time-outs. You “should” give an allowance; no, you “should” pay for doing chores. You “should” give your kid a computer; no, you “should” keep your kid away from computers until she’s 30! Education is a virtual MINEFIELD of “shoulds”. Your child is 5; he “should” be able to spend several hours sitting still at a desk being quiet. My granddaughter is 6; she “should” be reading by now. Your daughter is in 5th grade now; she “should” be able to do this math. My boy is a high schooler now; he “should” be getting A’s in every subject. Homeschooling, which, ahem, pardon the term, should be a place of freedom, (some shoulds are warranted!) is often just another guilt-load of “shoulds”. You “should” be spending 6 hours a day doing schoolwork; no, you “shouldn’t” spend more than 2. You “should” be pushing your kid to excel, studying an encyclopedia of subjects, each in-depth, so your kids transcript looks like something from Harvard; no, you “should” let your child do whatever he wants, study what he wants, when he wants. You “should” do it this way, you “should” do it that way, yadda yadda yadda till your head spins!!
The reality is that kids are all very different and that the normal age range for walking, talking, potty training, reading, and every other accomplishment you can think of is far, far – FAR – wider than parents are led to believe by our culture and/or the public school system. There’s no reason our kids shouldn’t be allowed to be as differently abled as the adults we know – Joe is a great CPA, but don’t ask him to write a magazine article, and Jane is a great organizer but don’t ask her to be treasurer, and Fred can fix anything but isn’t good at coming up with new ideas. Homeschooling is generally just as successful no matter which philosophy of it you practice. There is absolutely nothing set in concrete when it comes to how education should be done, in what order, at what age. There generally are no absolute “right” and “wrong” answers in parenting, either – and God’s grace is big enough to cover our blunders, anyway!
We need to be careful who we listen to. As one of my favorite proverbs says, “Just because a blind man tells me I’m ugly, I don’t have to believe him.” Just because someone tells us we “should” do this or that doesn’t mean they’re right! If you’re a parent, it’s a good thing to read books and talk to other parents – but never let that advice outweigh your own instincts. No parenting expert in the world is an expert on YOUR child. You are! If you’re homeschooling, research the different approaches, then choose the one that feels like the best fit for YOUR family, not just what sounds like it worked great for someone else. If you want to wear plaids with paisley, go for it. So what if you don’t do all the “shoulds” Good Housekeeping says? If you feel under pressure to meet some “should” that you can’t explain “why?” or “who says?”, and you don’t want to do it, just DON’T. I’ll bet the world won’t implode.
Let’s learn to discern and shed those undeserved “shoulds”!
I recently finished reading a very thought-provoking book, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. Rubin decided that she would take a year to both study happiness and attempt specific projects with the intention of raising her own happiness level. She read scads of articles, books, biographies and essays on the subject. She chose an area of focus for each month and set specific resolutions relating to that area, marking her progress (or lack thereof) on a chart each day. These areas included such things as marriage, parenting, work, play, and physical well-being. Resolutions were as varied as “stop nagging” to “sing in the morning”, “get more sleep” to “make 3 new friends”. The book is liberally sprinkled with inspiring quotes from all her reading.
I’m on my second reading of the book now, this time taking notes. I don’t know that I’ll undertake a Happiness Project per se, but there are a lot of resolutions that I’ve thought of that I’m sure would make me happier – and make the household atmosphere more pleasant. Incidentally, I love her distinction between a “goal” and a “resolution”. A goal is finite and achievable; once you’ve attained it, you move on to the next one. A resolution is something to be worked on-going, whose point isn’t necessarily achieving perfection in it, but that in striving for it, we are better off than if we were not trying at all.
One of the quotes that has hit me most strongly is one by Voltaire: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” How often it seems that we know the ‘perfect’ we should do, but because we can’t or simply won’t do THAT, we don’t even do the ‘good’ that we could.
As in inveterate reader of health articles, not to mention many a conversation with my doctor and lectures from various fitness nuts in my life, I know very well that I am supposed to be getting at least thirty minutes a day of aerobic exercise, plus doing at least thirty minutes of weight training three times a week. “You’ll feel SO much better” and “once you get into it, you’ll miss doing it if you miss a day” and yadda yadda. The simple fact is, I hate exercise. Period. I do! So the reality is that I am never going to do the perfect of exercise. But if I can make myself do ANY kind of exercise regularly, even just 10 minutes every day of dancing in the living room, it’s better than doing nothing. Better to at least do the good, than give up entirely just because I’m not going to do the perfect.
Many years ago, I got into hand-making cards. I bought a bunch of rubber stamps, inks, powders, stencils – all kinds of supplies. For several years I got a lot of enjoyment out of making cards for birthdays, anniversaries, and other special days. (I’d always been pretty big on remembering occasions with cards, so this was a change in the “how”, but not the “what”.) But after a few years, I found that I just didn’t have the time to do the cards like I had been doing. Oh, I still liked the idea of doing them, but I fell out of the practice. But I felt guilty for going back to sending store-bought cards rather than sending homemade ones. (Oh, the silly perspectives we sometimes take.) So what did I do? Yep. I just pretty much stopped sending cards altogether! Which do I really think folks would have cared more about: that they got A card at all – or that they got a hand-made one vs. a store-bought?
I haven’t done as many posts this week as I intended because…. guess? I started about 4 long drafts, each with a magnificent theme, but in each case, the thesis ended up splintering and wandering off in multiple directions like kids on a field trip – and I could never get them all back into the van. So, when I realized my Magnum Octupuses were going nowhere, did I try to come up with something much shorter, but cogent, so that I would at least be posting something? No. I posted NOTHING. I let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
There are so many areas of life where we can apply this maxim. Housekeeping? I can’t keep the house spotless, so I give up and don’t even try to keep it picked up. Dieting? I can’t give up all sugar, so I may as well eat the whole candy bar. Parenting? I can’t go to Disneyland, so I won’t even bother going to the park. Keeping in touch? I “owe” someone a long letter, but have time for only a short email, so I send nothing because I can’t send the long one. The perfect putting the kibosh on the good. Voltaire nailed this one!
Well… this post isn’t perfect. It might not even be good! But at least it’s DONE!
Just hold on a moment…
Posted on: September 6, 2011
My life is lived with a soundtrack always playing in my head. It’s quite eclectic, consisting of such things as Disney songs (from “Aristocats” to “Winnie the Pooh”), pieces of musicals (“Annie Get Your Gun” to “Yentl”), commercial jingles all the way back from childhood (“Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener….”), and Veggie Tale songs (Who can forget “Oh, Where is My Hairbrush?”), but more of my repetoire consists of modern praise choruses, Sripture songs from college days, and, my favorites, lots and lots of classic hymns. I love old hymns! I can probably sing at least the first verse of the majority of the songs in my old hymnbook without having to even think. This is a handy thing when it’s just part of the soundtrack of my day and I really need my mind focused on the task at hand, but it’s also a “not good” thing; there are some pretty heavy meanings to those lyrics that I would do well to pay attention to.
I think one of the scariest is “Take My Life and Let It Be”. What do I actually ask God to take complete charge of in this simple hymn? Only everything I am, everything I do, everything I say, everywhere I go, and everything I own! I confess, however, that far too often a more accurate rendering of the song would be:
Take my life, and let it be.
All I care about is ME!
Take my feet? You just don’t know
All the places I need to go.
Take my moments? There’s no way!
I need each second of every day!
(You see, my list of things to do
Is far too long for even You!)
Take my silver and my gold –
But my Visa card I’ll hold!
Lips and voice? Those are mine, too,
I’ll say whatever I want to.
Have my heart to be Your throne?
There is room for ME alone!
Tell you what, Lord, let’s just say
You can have what is LEFT today!
I think it’s my moments that are the hardest for me to give up. I like plans and schedules. I almost never get to actually follow one, however. A constant crop of interruptions, distractions and the unexpected interferes. I have a mental roadmap of the way things are “supposed” to go, and can get admittedly grumpy when they are forced to take a detour!
However, lately I’ve been pondering Psalms 31:15 which says, “My times are in Your hands…” It’s easy for me to see God as holding the grand sweep of my whole life, but how should I apply this verse to the minute-by-minute of my time here on earth? Maybe what I see as “interruptions” to my business are, in fact, His real business! I need to hold MY plans lightly, in the full knowledge and acceptance that He may change those plans at any time. I need to look for Him in the interruption.
For example, last week, a friend was unable to make it to our weekly ladies Bible study because she mislaid her car key on her way to the front door. Fuss, fume, weep, “But Lord, I NEED to be there!” (And those of us at church, “Lord, we WANT her here!!”) However, because she WAS home that morning she was able to take a very important call from a friend! The frustration of missing the activity she planned was swallowed by the greater joy of what she didn’t miss. God doesn’t always make the picture that clear, of course. I think most of the time we aren’t given any explanation for what was really going on. But incidences like this remind me to trust that, whether or not He reveals it to ME, He is accomplishing His purposes in that detour. Since my times are in His hands, I can relax and enjoy the journey instead of worrying so much about getting to my destination on time, following my route.
I’ll write more…. when I get a moment!
The three most dangerous words in carrying on much of life are “for now” and “later”. (This isn’t an original thought with me; I’ve read the concept in many organizing articles.) I am generally much more organized than the average citizen; it’s a trait I inherited, so I come by the vice honestly. But even so, I still fall into those traps. Lately, I’ve been examining just how much of my life I procrastinate by using those two phrases, how deadly they are, and how simple it often is to avoid them.
How often do I put something down somewhere “for now”, when it would take less than a minute to take care of it properly? I have a dirty dish. It would take 15 seconds to put it in the dishwasher, but do I? No. I put it on the counter by the sink “for now”. I go shopping and get a new toiletry item that goes in the master bathroom. It would take less than 30 seconds and about 50 steps round-trip to put it away. Do I? No. I put it on the bar, where it sits for three or four days…. or more… before I finally remember to carry it with me when I’m headed that way anyway. I stock up on bread that needs to be double-bagged and tossed in the freezer. It takes about 15 seconds per loaf to get it ready. How many days do you want to guess it may sit on that counter, cluttering up the kitchen, before I take care of it? A basket of laundry that takes less than 5 minutes to fold is left on the couch “for now” rather than being done right away; it will still be there by evening, which means more often than not my sweet husband will do it – which I appreciate, but which he shouldn’t have to do! Sometimes “for now” turns into almost “for ever”. Those washed and folded towels that I put on top of the cedar chest instead of into the linen closet? They may sit there until I change towels again. (Which may not be nearly as soon as it should!) That magazine article Mama clipped for me to read? Still sitting on the bar weeks later, buried under all that other “for now” stuff. (And we won’t even talk about my desk!)
Then there’s “later”. I’m at my computer doing something, and I remember that I need to write a quick, 30 second “thinking of you”, “how’d your surgery go?”, or “let’s get together” email. Do I do it while I’m thinking about it? No. I think “I’ll do it later”, only later never comes. I know a birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Do I get a card NOW? No, “I’ll do it later”. Suddenly it’s the night before the birthday, and guess what? No card! A button comes off my shirt. It will take less than 2 minutes to sew it back on. Do I go ahead and do it while I’m thinking about it? No. I put it on my mending pile to be done “later”. 3, 4, 10 months – a year! – down the road, I finally get around to taking care of that mending pile. My kids used to (only half-) jokingly give items a kiss goodbye when they had to put an item into that pile. They knew they might not see it again before they outgrew it!
It’s so easy, isn’t it? At least, it SEEMS easy. In reality, I’m robbing myself! All those undone tasks are a constant emotional drain. Sometimes they’re a sinister whisper of guilt, “You’re lazy! or “Your MOTHER didn’t keep house like this!” [note: my mother disputes this notion that she was a perfect housekeeper, but “the mom in my head” was, and that’s what matters.] Sometimes those tasks are pulling at me this way and that way, waving their hands and crying out like kids in a classroom waiting for the teacher to call on them. “Do ME!” “No, ME!” “No, ME ME ME!” The more the piles build up, the even bigger they get in my mind, until they assume such gargantuan proportions that it seems impossible to begin attacking them. All self-inflicted. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
So, how to counterract all this? I’m working hard at doing things right away, putting things where they belong in the first place, doing little tasks right away, thinking realistically about how much time a task will take instead of letting it convince me that it’s bigger than it really is. Most of all, I’m reminding myself how much better I’ll feel about myself if I don’t “for now” or “later”! The satisfaction that comes with doing what I ought to do far outweighs the seeming convenience of avoiding the task. Of course, there are some days when I truly am too busy to do some things. I let it be ok – but as soon as I can, I get caught up. I try to use little bits of time that come my way – while I’m talking on the phone (hurray for cordless phones and headsets!), waiting for water to heat for tea, those 5 minutes before the TV show starts (or all those commercials DURING the show!) It’s amazing how much those little bits of time can add up. My house isn’t perfect. I still don’t always get the emails written, the phone calls made, the cards bought. But little by little, I’m reclaiming some sense of mastery!
OK, I have Saturday chores still to do, so I better finish this up ….. for now! Talk to ya …. later!
Declaration of Intent
Posted on: September 2, 2011
Today was an historic day. Every fall since 1993, I have filed a form with the school district to conform with our state’s homeschooling requirements. It is called a Declaration of Intent to Provide Home-Based Instruction. Since our youngest, Jillian, is now a senior, this year’s form is the very last I will ever have to file. I’m not sure whether to frame it or save it till next spring and burn it at her graduation!
Although the State’s purpose in requiring this Declaration of Intent is a mere matter of record-keeping so that homeschooled students are not confused with public schoolers on “self-directed field trips”who need a visit from the truancy officer, I see another value to having to do it. No matter what kind of schedule you follow or which philosophy you apply to your homeschooling, being required to file this form means that at least once a year you are forced to give some thought to what you are doing. No one should be homeschooling without being very intentional about it.
What if we were to file such a Declaration of Intent for other areas of our lives? Too much of our lives are lived unintentionally – overcome by events, distracted, drifting with whatever current happens to take us. Yesterday, September 1, has always marked the official end of summer to me. Oh, we may have a pleasant “Indian summer” this month – we often do – but SUMMER starts Memorial Day weekend and ends September 1. I got to take a wonderful two week trip to Texas in June, but as a family, this summer we did ….. nothing. We didn’t make it to the beach, to a zoo, to a mountain, to a lake, anywhere. Not even once. Now, I have to give the weather it’s fair share of blame; we had a pretty poor showing of summer weather until August. But even so, what killed our summer wasn’t the weather. And it wasn’t that we didn’t WANT to do those things. They all sounded good! But rather than declaring our intent, setting dates, making plans, and then making them happen, we just drifted along waiting for those things to just somehow….. occur. As if some Saturday morning we’d wake up and find ourselves on our way to the beach. “Wow! This is cool! Didn’t know we’d be doing this today!”
My project boxes and craft drawers have been packed full of many unfinished “guilts to do”. I bought the materials, maybe even got started on the project in a burst of inspiration, but then somehow let it get lost in the sea of circumstances. Again, I was waiting for things to more or less make themselves happen. I’ve thought of writing a blog for years. Or maybe I should say I’ve thought for years about writing a blog, though both may end up true. But it went no further than thought.
I can’t go back and be more intentional about the first 51 years of my life, but I can work on whatever time I have left. I (obviously) started this blog at last! Over the last few weeks I’ve done a “fish or cut bait” on those projects in boxes and craft drawers, forcing myself to realistically assess whether or not I’m ever going to – or even want to – do them. Of those that I’m keeing, those that I could finish with just a few minutes, I have been making myself just DO and have done with. I’ve set a sequence for working on the others, and I’m going to impose some deadlines for doing them, or out they’ll go, too! For months, I’ve been sorting out my wardrobe and culling items – all those things I keep telling myself I’ll wear (but never do) and those things I keep trying to talk myself into liking simply because I spent money on it or someone gave it to me. I’m getting rid of things that don’t fit properly, or that I use to like but no longer fit my style. I’m working harder on stopping tasks to call a friend when I think about it, rather than thinking “I’ll do it when I’m done” – because most often, by the time I finish a chore I’ll have forgotten about making the call, but if I make the call, I’m less likely to forget the chore that needs finishing! I can’t redo this summer, but maybe when next summer rolls around, I’ll make sure we do more than think about fun things to do.
I’m not sure which office to take it to, but I’m filing a Declaration of Intentionality!
the susie solution 