the susie solution

There’s a commercial for some depression medicine that shows the victim being followed around and overshadowed by a large black cloud. I don’t care for most drug commercials (most commercials, period, I guess), but this one I actually like because in the “after” portrayal, where the drug is working great and the person is out living life again, the cloud is still there. It’s smaller in size, and follows along meekly and unobtrusively, but it’s there.

That’s the plain truth about mental illness. You may be able to treat it and make it manageable, but it will never go away. It will always be lurking, waiting in the wings for a cue to make another grand entrance and steal the show.
I’ve put off writing this for some time now. I probably should have written some of it last Fall. I kept hoping things would right themselves, but they haven’t, so I think it will be better write and get it over with.
Simply put, the bipolar Monster has resurged.
It could be that my head med is simply losing effectiveness; the body metabolizes all psychotropics differently over time, causing them to become less effective. However, my new med manager believes that it isn’t really the med’s fault, but that chronic stress of the last two years has sent my cortisol levels sky-high so that it is now stuck in a cycle it can’t get out of – and that the high levels of cortisol are overwhelming my head med’s ability to work as it should.
There are a multitude of factors involved in the stress. Residual effects from the year of dealing with my mom during her death from cancer. Relational difficulties in my marriage. Caregiving issues involving my cousin, and dealing with her son. My already touchy musculoskeletal issues because of my screwy spine were badly affected by a fall in September of 2013, but exercise and physical therapy for it pretty much went out the window during the year of caring for Mama; last year the injuries were compounded by other mishaps; and now the whole thing has been topped off by degenerating cervical and lumbar discs, which may (probably) mean I will never again be able to achieve the kind of physical fitness I was able to enjoy for one brief year prior to my 2013 injury. Since exercise plays a key part in helping with a number of my other health issues, losing the ability to do so as much affects them all. In addition, I have been having severe sleep issues for months now, leaving me physically exhausted.
In general, all this has meant increasing problems keeping things together. Some weeks, I am an emotional basket case, depressed and overwhelmed and scared. When it’s like that, it takes enormous amounts of energy to carry on reasonably normally with other people, leaving me emotionally exhausted. Then the switch flips, and I’m more even emotionally, and it’s not quite such an effort. But between the physical and emotional stresses, I find myself struggling with finding the motivation to do that which I know I need to or should. Often, it just takes too much energy to care.
As the Monster grows, my brain once again is like a dozen racetracks with a dozen greyhounds on each, and all chasing a dozen rabbits running loose. It is difficult to follow any one train of thought for long. I have been trying and trying to write blog posts – I have a dozen started – but I get partway through and realize that I can’t figure out where I am going with it. I have spent hour after hour re-writing and re-writing, but so far, I have gained little ground. The frustration is enormous.
Not only is my brain racing, it has no “off” switch. Ever have a night where you just can’t get to sleep because your brain is absorbed with some problem? My brain can’t shut up. Ever. My meds to help me sleep are having little effect. No matter how tired my body is, my brain is always in high gear, running this way and that. What sleep I do get is broken multiple times a night – beginning again the battle to get my brain to shut up so I can return to some semblance of sleep. When I DO sleep, I mostly dream. I have always had vivid dreams, in color, and often I remember the gist of, or much of, the contents upon waking up. Now, even when asleep, I am often dreaming that I am awake. Not uncommonly, some of my dreams are disturbing, even somewhat traumatic. When I get up in the morning, I seldom have any sense of having really slept at all – certainly not any refreshing sleep, at any rate. Chronic sleep deprivation does a real number on ya.
So, rather than playing around any further with my BP meds, the plan is to focus on other issues through other practitioners. I will see a naturopath to do some detective work and figure out what might be helpful, for the cortisol issue in highest priority, but with any other area he finds out-of-whack as well. (My case being rather extraordinarily complicated medically, it will be no simple knot to untangle!) I will be getting traction at my chiropractor’s office, as well as massage. I will be starting with a new counselor on the 23rd – the wife of the counselor Rob started seeing in January; the eventual goal is joint counseling. Hopefully it won’t take too many months to start getting things turned around – and then we can tell if I need to do anything with my head meds or not.
And in case you’re thinking none of this sounds very spiritual, be assured that no, I have not left God out of the equation, and yes, I HAVE had people pray over me and I know there are many praying on-going. But mental illness is not a spiritual problem, and unless God makes a miraculous intervention – which is possible, but not historically terribly frequent – spiritual activities such as prayer and throwing Bible verses at it don’t solve it or even make it feel better. My faith is a fact, but when the Monster has the upper hand, my faith has no meaning to my feelings. The spirit is willing, but the brain is broken. That’s the best I can explain it.
All of this is not to ask for sympathy, comments, “I’m so sorry”, “I’m praying for you” or even any particular expressed reaction at all. I don’t mean to sound ungracious, but I take all those as read from those who know me, and I DO appreciate it – but it takes energy to respond, and right now I don’t always have any to spare. (If you are a local, you don’t need to treat me like I’m fragile.)  I just want to explain what’s going on and give you another glimpse into the Wonderful World of Bipolar. So if I’m less than gracious, or I’m grouchy or a bit short-tempered, or get too worked up over little things, or don’t seem to be enthusiastic about something you want me to be enthused about, or seem tired or down and gloomy, please just let it be and don’t take it personally! And if I don’t write for months, or if what I write kind of wanders around, bear with me.
It is well with my soul, but as for the rest of me, for now, the Monster has the upper hand again.