Ah, the “should”!  I don’t mean the actual “right” and “wrong” type of should, as in “You should be truthful on your tax return.”  I mean that vague “should” that you somehow feel obligated to live up to; the ones imposed by the nameless They, by family, by strangers in the grocery store, or even by ourselves. I mentioned “the mother that lives in my head” the other day. I think we all have some version of her, a mental construct of someone who we imagine would be living our life better than we’re doing it, and who is constantly criticizing us for all the things we “should” or “shouldn’t” do.   There is no end of things about which we can create a “should”.    Sometimes the “should” is entirely arbitrary, such as manners.  That’s why culture to culture differs so. Here, it’s rude to belch; in Japan, it’s a compliment to the cook!   (I think my son thinks he’s Japanese…)   Some of our “shoulds” may have some basis in reason, but really, when you get down to it, are still just a matter of opinion.  Ever read the debates in Dear Abbey about which way the toilet paper “should” hang? Talk about a tempest in a teapot!  Some of us are more susceptible to the “shoulds” than others.  How many “shoulds” are you carrying around?

For example, take fashion.  Who elected those Fashion Elite to dictate what is or is not acceptable?  I grew up with some very strict fashion rules, such as:  Don’t mix patterns; plaids don’t go with polka dots don’t go with paisleys don’t go with anything but solids.  Stripes were a little less strict; you might wear them combined with certain floral or other prints if you did it carefully.  Certain color combinations were taboo, too.  One did NOT attempt the union of say, purple and orange and red.  It simply wasn’t done.  I never cared about dressing fashionably as far as following all the current styles and such, but I confess that I internalized many of these more general pseudo-rules.  Then I had kids, who each had their own ideas about what did or did not go together!  Not that I didn’t still try to instill some of my fashion prejudices, of course.  I mostly lost.  But really now I’m glad of it.  Why would I want my kids to carry someone else’s “shoulds” around?  And God’s sense of humor is showing lately:  my dear daughter-in-law, who majored in fashion design and has tastes very different from mine, is outfitting the nursery for our impending third granddaughter in …. purples and oranges and reds!  😉

There are a lot of “shoulds” that weigh parents down.  Your child is a year old – he “should” be talking!  My child is two and a half and not potty trained??  She “should” be by now!  There are all the contradictory “shoulds” of parenting:  You “should” spank; no, you “should” use time-outs.  You “should” give an allowance; no, you “should” pay for doing chores.  You “should” give your kid a computer; no, you “should” keep your kid away from computers until she’s 30!  Education is a virtual MINEFIELD of “shoulds”.   Your child is 5; he “should” be able to spend several hours sitting still at a desk being quiet.   My granddaughter is 6; she “should” be reading by now.   Your daughter is in 5th grade now; she “should” be able to do this math.  My boy is a high schooler now; he “should” be getting A’s in every subject.  Homeschooling, which, ahem, pardon the term, should be a place of freedom,  (some shoulds are warranted!)  is often just another guilt-load of “shoulds”.  You “should” be spending 6 hours a day doing schoolwork; no, you “shouldn’t” spend more than 2.  You “should” be pushing your kid to excel, studying an encyclopedia of subjects, each in-depth, so your kids transcript looks like something from Harvard; no, you “should” let your child do whatever he wants, study what he wants, when he wants.   You “should” do it this way, you “should” do it that way, yadda yadda yadda till your head spins!!

The reality is that kids are all very different and that the normal age range for walking, talking, potty training, reading, and every other accomplishment you can think of is far, far – FAR – wider than parents are led to believe by our culture and/or the public school system.  There’s no reason our kids shouldn’t be allowed to be as differently abled as the adults we know – Joe is a great CPA, but don’t ask him to write a magazine article, and Jane is a great organizer but don’t ask her to be treasurer, and Fred can fix anything but isn’t good at coming up with new ideas.  Homeschooling is generally just as successful no matter which philosophy of it you practice.  There is absolutely nothing set in concrete when it comes to how education should be done, in what order, at what age.  There generally are no absolute “right” and “wrong” answers in parenting, either – and God’s grace is big enough to cover our blunders, anyway!

We need to be careful who we listen to.  As one of my favorite proverbs says, “Just because a blind man tells me I’m ugly, I don’t have to believe him.”  Just because someone tells us we “should” do this or that doesn’t mean they’re right!  If you’re a parent, it’s a good thing to read books and talk to other parents – but never let that advice outweigh your own instincts.  No parenting expert in the world is an expert on YOUR child.  You are!  If you’re homeschooling, research the different approaches, then choose the one that feels like the best fit for YOUR family, not just what sounds like it worked great for someone else.  If you want to wear plaids with paisley, go for it.  So what if you don’t do all the “shoulds” Good Housekeeping says?  If you feel under pressure to meet some “should” that you can’t explain “why?” or “who says?”, and you don’t want to do it, just DON’T.  I’ll bet the world won’t implode.

Let’s learn to discern and shed those undeserved “shoulds”!