A few months ago I picked up a habit again that I have done off and on since college – reading the chapter of The Book of Proverbs that corresponds to the day of the month.

I love the rich visual imagery used in so many of the proverbs, such as 11:22  “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” or 26:2 “Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest”.    Or how about the section dealing with the young man caught by the adulteress, who goes with her as “an ox going to the slaughter, or a deer stepping into the noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare.”   From the one comparing a nagging wife to “constant dripping on a rainy day”, you get the idea that the writer had some experience of what he was writing about!

There is a such a wealth of wisdom to be found in this book.  Like all Scripture, it is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.  3: 5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” is probably one of the most well-known verses in Scripture.  1:7  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” is echoed in many other passages throughout the Bible.  However, one thing the Book of Proverbs is not is The Book of PROMISES.   There is a difference between what is Truth and what is a truism.  The dictionary definition of a proverb is “a short popular saying, usually of unknown or ancient origin, that expresses effectively some commonplace truth or useful thought.”  Even the definition for a Biblical proverb is “a profound saying, maxim, or oracular utterance requiring interpretation”.   The book says of itself that these are “teachings” and “sayings of the wise”.  We need to be careful about making them all into “thus sayeth the Lord” absolutes.

There are many proverbs that speak in black and white of what is never that cut-and-dried in real life. Look at 13:25 “The righteous eat to their heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry”.  Do these verses mean that there can never be a hungry Christian?  Of course not!  If proverbs are absolutes, then what do we make of 16:7?  “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies live at peace with him.”  There are times that this proverb has been realized; we all have seen or heard of godly men and women who have won the respect of even their opponents.  However, every prophet ever killed, every Christian ever martyred – our Lord Himself on the cross! – stand as witnesses to the fact that this is a truism, not a promise.

When it comes to parenting, of course, the ultimate example of this proverb-as-promise misconstruction is (all together, now, 1, 2, 3):  “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  (22:6)  It’s engraved on our gray matter.  It’s the mantra of a plethora of parenting books.  Many a parent of a prodigal clings to it as fiercely as a drowning man does a life-raft.  The trouble is, of course, that it is NOT a promise.

This proverb is generally true.  The majority of adults live lives on a trajectory begun in childhood.  Thus, children who are raised with godly training in a loving home where God is glorified will, indeed, more often than not, continue on that drift upon reaching adulthood.  BUT there have been, are, and ever will be those that eschew their training, some of whom will return to their roots after a sojourn away, and some who will not.  With examples of this from past and present surrounding us, why are we so ready to try to turn this proverb into a promise?

I believe the reason is that if we take it as a promise, it puts US in control of our children’s destinies.  We can accept salvation by grace for ourselves, but by golly, we are going to save our kids by our works!  If we just do everything “right”, then we can be certain of the outcome, either by keeping our kids on the path in the first place, or by putting into play a spiritual boomerang effect that will compel them to return to it at a later date.  Oh, how we want guarantees for our kids!

The first brick wall we hit in trying to force this proverb into promise status, though, is …. ourselves.   If we take this as a promise, then it is predicated on the perfection of our parenting to activate it.  That is, how our kids turn out rests entirely on our shoulders.  If our kids turn out to be all that we hope for, then we get to take all the credit for it; we must have trained them right.  If our kids go off the path, we may take the defensive position that we did train them right, so of course they’ll be back, or we may blame ourselves for it, making assumptions of having God-like knowledge that if we’d done this differently or that better then certainly our kids would have gone the right way; we must not have trained them right.  All of these responses are wrong, for all are focused on us and our own efforts and a perception of what those efforts earn us a right to: a guaranteed outcome.

Now, even assuming for just a fraction of a second that we could be perfect parents, the second brick wall to taking this proverb as a promise is the other party in the transaction – our kids.  Kids are not simply a product of their upbringing and situation.  The world is full of people raised in similar situations, even in the same home, who nevertheless developed in totally different ways.  One abused child grows up to be a caring, compassionate social worker, while another becomes a sociopath! God was the Perfect parent for Adam and Eve, yet they walked wide-eyed awake right off the path, knowing full well they were doing so.  Our kids are born with their very own full-up supply of Original Sin, and no matter what we do or do not do as parents, no matter how close we come to being God-perfect in how we train them, our training cannot control what their response to it will be.  Though they will generally tend to follow the path they start on, it doesn’t always play out that way.  Our children’s choice can trump any training.

If they do choose to walk away?  This proverb is not a promise that they’ll be back.  That’s the hard but simple truth.  No matter how much it hurts to think about, we can’t focus on the “old” as a talisman against the possibility that the circle will be broken.  To do so is a false hope, for it is predicated on our trust in our training and a denial our children’s self-determination.

Neither the perfection of our parenting nor the reliability of our children’s responses are anything to trust.  So what do we do?  We train our children in the way they should go with the best of the wisdom that God gives us – and then we let them go.  If they continue in the path on which we set their feet, then we praise God and thank Him for His surpassing grace that brought them there in spite of our imperfect parenting.  If they leave the path, then we put our hope, not in our training of them, but rather in the sure and certain knowledge of God’s infinite love, justice, and mercy, never ceasing to bring our children’s names to the throne of grace, yet leaving the ultimate outcome in His hands.  We do the best we can as parents because it is the right thing to do, not because it’s our  quarter in the Proverbs 22:6 gumball machine so we get out our promised outcome.

Training may bring our kids to the station, but it won’t guarantee their ticket onto the train bound for glory.