Archive for the ‘homeschooling’ Category
There was a letter to Dear Abby yesterday that bugged me. It was nothing new, but I’m not going to let it slide. The letter ran as follows, “My fiancée, “Tara”, has a problem with social boundaries. … Recently, a male friend of mine quit talking to both of us because of her behavior. When I talked with him, about it, he said Tara makes him uncomfortable. She doesn’t understand where friendly joking stops and serious flirting starts. She gave him the impression she wanted to start an affair, so he walked away. Tara has been open and up front about everything. She doesn’t lie. It’ s like she doesn’t know any other way to interact with the opposite sex, and it’s spooking me before our wedding. I don’t want to have to be my fiancée’s constant social monitor.”
It’s a fair enough question, and I sympathize with the young man’s unease over his future wife’s apparent inability to appropriately process social cues. But as noted by the ellipse, I left out one sentence in the letter that bothered me. The writer not only describes the problem, but makes a diagnosis of just WHY Tara has the issue she does. He states, “She was home-schooled most of her education and missed out on a social life.”
Why is it that if there is a social-adjustment issue in someone who was homeschooled, it is ASSUMED that the issue arises from the mode of their education? If the letter writer’s fiancée had the very same issue, but had been through the public school system, he would not likely blame the school, but would be more likely to consider factors such as her family modeling, or even more likely, something along the Asperger’s line that interferes with her ability to properly process social cues. But, no. She was homeschooled and “missed out on a social life”, so that must obviously be the explanation.
However, if the ability to read, process and produce appropriate social cues is tied to the quantity of social interaction with others, then how does one explain the statistics on how much of the population is socially dysfunctional in spite of having been through our public education system?? The fact is, both public schoolers and homeschoolers run the same gamut socially: some are gregarious and make friends wherever they go, some have their small circle of friends that they are comfortable with, some are just kind of socially awkward by personality, and some have brain issues that interfere with social interaction. It is not how they were schooled, or whether or not they had a “social life”, that makes them that way.
Tara may well need some professional help to figure out precisely what is going on, since this kind of social handicap could be a real hindrance to her adult life. It probably would be best that she and the letter writer not marry until the issue is addressed. But I hope the letter writer digs deeper into what is going on with his fiancée than just blowing it off with “she was homeschooled and missed out on a social life”. She deserves a real explanation.
A covered event
Posted on: September 18, 2011
It can be interesting reading through an insurance policy and looking at just what all is considered a “covered event”. House blown up by a gas explosion? Yes. By a terrorist’s bomb? No. Kitchen flooded by a nearby overflowing stream? No. By a break in the line to your ice-maker? Yes. Health insurance has its own intricacies. It’s always up to the insured to understand what is or isn’t covered. Sometimes, even if something is covered, if it’s found that you didn’t exercise “due diligence” in trying to prevent an occurrence – failing to maintain your vehicle’s brakes, doing your own faulty wiring, leaving doors unlocked – you could find your insurance company refusing to pay up, or at least reducing your claim payment.
I was thinking about this while reading a sobering and excellent article last night on parenting, “Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers” by Reb Bradley http://www.familyministries.com/HS_Crisis.htm. (There’s also a shortened version of it on Josh Harris’s blog.) The author does an excellent job of dissecting a number of problems common not just to homeschoolers, but some of them to parents in general, especially those of conservative bent. I would recommend it for any parent who wants to be challenged to self-reflection. But be warned – if your kids are already grown or well into their teens, and you see yourself in this article, you could end up feeling terribly guilty, exceedingly depressed, and convinced that you had thoroughly “blown it”.
That’s a common type of parenting regret. We parented following some direction – maybe some teaching, a book, a class. Or maybe we just went with our own intuition. We were so sure we were doing The Right Thing! Our intentions were entirely honorable and lofty, and because we knew that our goals were right, we were convinced that our methods must be as well. Then somehow we ran across somebody who challenged our ideas – an article like this one, a talk with a friend, a talk show – and we started seeing things in a different light. We realized that what we’d been doing wasn’t, in fact, the best way after all. We didn’t MEAN to short-change our kids, but we just didn’t know better.
Then there are things we did know. We may like to comfort ourselves by saying, “Well, I did the best I could” – but we all know that’s not always been true. We don’t always do the best we could. We often do “know better”, but for whatever reason, we choose not to do it. We’re tired, so we yell. We’re frustrated, so we make a hasty judgment in a dispute. We’ve got a headache, so we get sarcastic. We’re in a hurry through our own fault, so we get impatient at the naturally slower tempo of our children. Whatever our excuse, sometimes we just do make the wrong choice.
All parents have regrets of the general wish-I’d-done-it-differently type, too – things that weren’t “wrong”, per se, but that if we had it to do over again, we’d change. Less housework, more Play-Doh. Less “no” and more “yes”. More “Way to go!” and less “Cut that out!” More mud puddles, less hurry. Maybe we wish we’d gone camping, or travelled, bought a bigger house, bought a smaller house, did more school, did less school. There’s never a shortage of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.
Sometimes the things we feel bad about are things that were beyond our control. I have always had a major temper problem with my kids. It frightened me how angry how quickly I could become. I yelled. A lot. Over-the-top! Part of me always felt “trapped” inside, watching myself do those things, unable to stop myself, hating what was going on, but unable to stop, no matter how much I prayed about it or had others pray for me. A year ago, I was (finally!) diagnosed with Bipolar II, a somewhat milder version of the more infamous form most likely to make the news. Suddenly, I understood what was going on all for those years. (I’m on medication now that has made a wonderful difference.) Although I know intellectually now that I was not responsible for those bipolar-induced anger episodes, it doesn’t stop my heart from still aching over the pain my family went through.
So… what does all this have to do with insurance?? As far as God is concerned, all those mistakes of parenting are COVERED EVENTS! Yes, indeed. Says so, right there in our insurance policy. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. and “If we confess our sins, God, Who is faithful and just, will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John. 1:9 and “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” It means just what it says. Whether we need forgiveness for doing what we knew we shouldn’t, or grace for doing wrong out of ignorance, for not doing what we wish we had, or for doing what we couldn’t help, it’s all COVERED! He never says, “Well, you should have known better, so this one you’re stuck with.” or “I told you so!” or “How could you?!” No, His forgiveness and grace cover everything, mercifully, freely, with abundant grace.
The insurance commercial shows everything rewinding back to where you have all your old life intact, as if the disaster never happened, but of course, we know real life isn’t like that. Forgiveness and no condemnation don’t mean we get a “do over”. The fact that God has covered our sins and short-comings, doesn’t necessarily change the situation we’re in – but it should change our perspective and how we deal with whatever we face. We may still feel sadness over the past, but rather than wasting precious time and emotional energy beating ourselves up over things that can’t be changed, we need to extend to ourselves the same compassion that HE does. He remembers our frame far better than we allow ourselves to. We cannot change the past, any more than Paul could erase his haunting pre-conversion history, but, like him, we can press forward and change what we’re doing now. When we see through God’s perspective of being covered, He can help us remember that while we are responsible for how we parent, our kids are responsible for their response. We’ve all seen kids come from great families yet end up going wild, or from terrible families yet turn out great, haven’t we? It’s simplistic – and even egotistical – to try to take all the blame or credit ourselves for how our kids turn out. What a relief to let go of that burden! I think the most important thing about grasping what it means for all our sins, errors, faults, short-comings, and regrets to be covered is to understand that God is bigger than our blunders, and we can trust that He will use even our blunders for His purposes. There is nothing we have done as parents that is beyond God’s ability to deal with. Nothing we have done has ever caught God unawares or unprepared. He’s never yet said, “Oh, my goodness, I didn’t see that one coming. Now what on earth am I going to do??” Unlike the insurance agent who must wait for the call to know of a claim, He not only knows the call will come, but is already planning the repairs before we even know we’re going to need them.
We’re not just in “good hands” – we’re in the Best. We don’t just have a “good neighbor”, we have a loving Father. Our Agent paid a premium no one else could pay to get us our policy, and there are no exclusions on it. Relax! He’s got us covered!
Shedding the “shoulds”
Posted on: September 10, 2011
Ah, the “should”! I don’t mean the actual “right” and “wrong” type of should, as in “You should be truthful on your tax return.” I mean that vague “should” that you somehow feel obligated to live up to; the ones imposed by the nameless They, by family, by strangers in the grocery store, or even by ourselves. I mentioned “the mother that lives in my head” the other day. I think we all have some version of her, a mental construct of someone who we imagine would be living our life better than we’re doing it, and who is constantly criticizing us for all the things we “should” or “shouldn’t” do. There is no end of things about which we can create a “should”. Sometimes the “should” is entirely arbitrary, such as manners. That’s why culture to culture differs so. Here, it’s rude to belch; in Japan, it’s a compliment to the cook! (I think my son thinks he’s Japanese…) Some of our “shoulds” may have some basis in reason, but really, when you get down to it, are still just a matter of opinion. Ever read the debates in Dear Abbey about which way the toilet paper “should” hang? Talk about a tempest in a teapot! Some of us are more susceptible to the “shoulds” than others. How many “shoulds” are you carrying around?
For example, take fashion. Who elected those Fashion Elite to dictate what is or is not acceptable? I grew up with some very strict fashion rules, such as: Don’t mix patterns; plaids don’t go with polka dots don’t go with paisleys don’t go with anything but solids. Stripes were a little less strict; you might wear them combined with certain floral or other prints if you did it carefully. Certain color combinations were taboo, too. One did NOT attempt the union of say, purple and orange and red. It simply wasn’t done. I never cared about dressing fashionably as far as following all the current styles and such, but I confess that I internalized many of these more general pseudo-rules. Then I had kids, who each had their own ideas about what did or did not go together! Not that I didn’t still try to instill some of my fashion prejudices, of course. I mostly lost. But really now I’m glad of it. Why would I want my kids to carry someone else’s “shoulds” around? And God’s sense of humor is showing lately: my dear daughter-in-law, who majored in fashion design and has tastes very different from mine, is outfitting the nursery for our impending third granddaughter in …. purples and oranges and reds! 😉
There are a lot of “shoulds” that weigh parents down. Your child is a year old – he “should” be talking! My child is two and a half and not potty trained?? She “should” be by now! There are all the contradictory “shoulds” of parenting: You “should” spank; no, you “should” use time-outs. You “should” give an allowance; no, you “should” pay for doing chores. You “should” give your kid a computer; no, you “should” keep your kid away from computers until she’s 30! Education is a virtual MINEFIELD of “shoulds”. Your child is 5; he “should” be able to spend several hours sitting still at a desk being quiet. My granddaughter is 6; she “should” be reading by now. Your daughter is in 5th grade now; she “should” be able to do this math. My boy is a high schooler now; he “should” be getting A’s in every subject. Homeschooling, which, ahem, pardon the term, should be a place of freedom, (some shoulds are warranted!) is often just another guilt-load of “shoulds”. You “should” be spending 6 hours a day doing schoolwork; no, you “shouldn’t” spend more than 2. You “should” be pushing your kid to excel, studying an encyclopedia of subjects, each in-depth, so your kids transcript looks like something from Harvard; no, you “should” let your child do whatever he wants, study what he wants, when he wants. You “should” do it this way, you “should” do it that way, yadda yadda yadda till your head spins!!
The reality is that kids are all very different and that the normal age range for walking, talking, potty training, reading, and every other accomplishment you can think of is far, far – FAR – wider than parents are led to believe by our culture and/or the public school system. There’s no reason our kids shouldn’t be allowed to be as differently abled as the adults we know – Joe is a great CPA, but don’t ask him to write a magazine article, and Jane is a great organizer but don’t ask her to be treasurer, and Fred can fix anything but isn’t good at coming up with new ideas. Homeschooling is generally just as successful no matter which philosophy of it you practice. There is absolutely nothing set in concrete when it comes to how education should be done, in what order, at what age. There generally are no absolute “right” and “wrong” answers in parenting, either – and God’s grace is big enough to cover our blunders, anyway!
We need to be careful who we listen to. As one of my favorite proverbs says, “Just because a blind man tells me I’m ugly, I don’t have to believe him.” Just because someone tells us we “should” do this or that doesn’t mean they’re right! If you’re a parent, it’s a good thing to read books and talk to other parents – but never let that advice outweigh your own instincts. No parenting expert in the world is an expert on YOUR child. You are! If you’re homeschooling, research the different approaches, then choose the one that feels like the best fit for YOUR family, not just what sounds like it worked great for someone else. If you want to wear plaids with paisley, go for it. So what if you don’t do all the “shoulds” Good Housekeeping says? If you feel under pressure to meet some “should” that you can’t explain “why?” or “who says?”, and you don’t want to do it, just DON’T. I’ll bet the world won’t implode.
Let’s learn to discern and shed those undeserved “shoulds”!
the susie solution 