the susie solution

I heard a sermon recently by a young pastor on the subject of waiting on the Lord.  He had a lot of good things to say about how hard it can be to wait.  He illustrated the theme by telling of a visit to the doctor some years back that had involved cooling his heels in the waiting room for an hour and a half.  He then went on to describe in vivid, scathing detail what ensued in the visit – a disagreement with the doctor as to whether or not his elevated blood pressure was due to a medical condition or simply to his extreme anger at having had to wait so long.  The pastor named the doctor, the city where he practiced, and stated that he was still practicing, “though I don’t know how”.

For a long time now, God has been “tenderizing” me over my own loose tongue when it comes to such name-dropping.  Although name-dropping by public speakers bothers me because of the wider audience they have, it is no different than what most of us do with all too great a frequency in our own conversations.  There is something in us that seems to delight in airing not just how we “done been wronged” but who in particular “done it”.

My high school years were hellish.  For most of those years, I was under the leadership of a particular pastor, with occasional contact with a student ministry director at the college my siblings attended.  Both, through commission and omission, influenced my life for the worse, missing what (to ME) seemed like obvious opportunities to have helped me.  By God’s grace, I survived those years without killing myself or getting involved with the drugs my friends used.  Once in college (in another state!), He turned my life around and set my feet on a new path.  But the hurt from those earlier years didn’t just disappear.  For many years after, when I told my story of God’s redemption, I included a full description of just what poor leaders those two men had been, and I named names.

Over time, however, God gave me some different perspective.  He pointed out that I was still looking at those men’s actions as I had as a confused, hurting, immature teen – not as the adult I had become.   I had accused both men of not caring, but on re-examining the issue, I realized that they did care, but were untrained and inexperienced in dealing with my type of situation.  Did they make some really poor decisions, give some lame responses, take some inappropriate actions?  Absolutely – just as I have myself in my own ministry and parenting.  God showed me that what I was doing was, in fact, slander –  speech for the purpose of defaming or unjustifiably attacking a person’s reputation.  Yes, they did what they did – but those were not the ONLY things they did.   On the whole, both men had successful ministries in their respective spheres.  My stories unfairly ignored all the good they did for the sake of the particular “failures” involving me – and I wanted the rest of the world to condemn them for my sake.  (Sounds ugly, but it’s the truth.)  My slander of these men was just as wrong as the actions that I held against them! 

[I wrote to both men and asked forgiveness for having spoken so, which may or may not have been the wisest thing to do, since, as far as I know, they had had no idea I held such a grudge against them in the first place.  Writing made me feel better, but it may have been easier for them if I hadn’t!  Anyway, I told them that they didn’t have to respond, I just wanted to get it off my chest, as it were.  One wrote back anyway, and his gracious words of forgiveness, and humble request for the same for anything he had done to give rise to that hurt, are among the most treasured letters I’ve ever received. ]

Because of this experience from my own life, I do think about some questions now that I didn’t used to, whether the story is told for illumination, comparison, or just entertainment.  Are you absolutely sure you have a godly perspective on this?  If you’re honest, would you have to admit that you’re telling the story less for the benefit of the hearers and more to satisfy a sense of revenge, or just to make yourself look good by comparison?   Are you sure you are judging justly?  Do you truly believe that all of that person’s character or career should stand condemned because of what you hold against him?  That is, if your story is all someone ever knows about Mr. X, will it be a fair representation?  What if, unknown to you, the person now regrets what she did?  How would you feel about having spread the story then?   How do you think the person (or their family or friends) would feel to hear that story told about him?  Even if the story isn’t slanderous, but simply puts the subject in an unflattering light, would you want to be talked about in that way?  Could you tell the same story using a fictitious name, or “a friend of mine”, or “someone in our family”, instead?

I still trip up on this point far too often, but I’m trying to remember that if the name isn’t germane to the point of my story, rather than name-drop, I should just drop the name!

Back in college, a friend and I had a conversation one day about ships and shoes and sealing wax and cabbages and ….. peas.  I grew up with a dad who never met a food he didn’t like.  Oh, he’d admit that some he liked better than others, but the concept of “not liking” a food was totally outside his comprehension.  This meant that we kids were raised with the expectation that WE would like all foods….. sooner or later.  “I’ve tried it a million times and I DON’T LIKE IT!!!” we would politely screech.  “But maybe THIS TIME you will!” was his never-changing reply.  No quarter given.  Unless it sent you into anaphylactic shock, you were expected to eat it.

He wanted us kids to be adventurous eaters, welcoming all foods, as easy to please as he himself was.  Admirable goal.  However, the effect his method had on me was quite the opposite of what he intended.  I reached adulthood a terribly picky eater, with sharply defined lists of Foods I Like (a not terribly long list) and Foods I Do NOT Like (a veeeery long list, indeed!).   I could go to a potluck at church with tables brimming over with dishes of every variety, and barely find enough “safe” food to fill my plate.  No anonymous casseroles for me, thank you!  And that one looks like it might have something strange in it.  I don’t recognize that vegetable.  …  You get the idea.

For some reason, my intense resentment against my dad’s insistence on liking everything, and on eating things which I already knew I didn’t like distilled itself most distinctly in a hatred of ….   Little.  Green.  Peas.  I hated them with a passion usually reserved for black mold, athlete’s foot, or lice.  Early in my friendship with Glenn at Whitworth, he had revealed to me that he, too, found the tiny, round things repulsive.  Nothing like a shared hatred to cement a growing camaraderie, right?  So, imagine my surprise – no, shock – when one day I discovered him eating peas.  Deliberately.  On purpose.  With willful, though not suicidal, intent.  When I asked him for an explanation, he gave an intriguing reply.  “I’m trying to get away from thinking about foods only in terms of what I ‘like’ or ‘don’t like’.  I’m trying to just train myself to think, ‘Ok, this is just what peas taste like.’”

I confess that, at the time, I didn’t really get it, and I can’t say it had much impact on my eating habits.  At least, not consciously.  But over the last ten years or so, little by little, I have been breaking out of my food prison, and those wise words of my friend have come back to me many a time.  In particular, I set myself the task of revisiting those foods that I was so sure I Did Not Like, to simply explore “What do those foods taste like, anyway?”  You see, for most of them, it had been so long since I actually even tried them that I had no idea!  The results have been pretty fun.  Many of those previously-rejected foods I have discovered I now like.  Even LOVE.  Cherries, avocados, figs, kiwi, oh, my!  Some foods I have confirmed the reason they were on my Do Not Like List in the first place.  Even the smell of canned salmon still makes me ill.  A host of other foods I have found that I can eat with equanimity by simply accepting that “this is what this food tastes like”.  I even gave peas a chance, and found that, cooked right, they’re not bad.  I’m still not the adventurous eater my dad was, and I don’t expect I ever will be.  That’s ok.  I’m me, not him.  But at least now I when I go to a potluck, I’m not worried about starving!  I’m gaining food freedom.

I’m finding a wider application of this principle as well.  Not surprisingly, food isn’t the only area of life wherein I have been so busy consigning things to specific positive or negative categories based solely on my own bias that I haven’t had time to learn to simply appreciate them for what they are.  People.  Music.  The way people dress.  Decisions people make.  By concentrating on evaluating these so that I can categorize them to a “Like” or “Do Not Like”, “approve” or “do not approve” I think I’ve missed out on a lot of life.

Obviously, some people I will immediately feel an attraction to, and some I will feel repulsed by, but the most important thing about someone shouldn’t be whether or not I like him, but who he IS.  I have found that I can learn to appreciate many good characteristics of someone that I don’t feel any particular affinity for.  I can even appreciate abilities of people I can’t stand when I look farther than just the fact that I don’t like them.  And for those few who I do not like and are consistently obnoxious, accepting that that is simply the way they are frees me from feeling in any way “surprised” at their actions and stops them from being able to control me by jerking my emotional chain.

I know all the reasons many people are prejudiced against tattoos, and I’ll agree that there are a lot of really ugly tatts out there.  For a lot of years, I had a reaction of “Ugh.  I don’t like tattoos.”  But in more recent years, I have learned to appreciate the beauty of the art that is in many of them, and more importantly, I have found that engaging someone in the “whys” of their ink can give me important insights into their life.  If all I do is say, “I don’t like tattoos”, then I have shut the door.  Tattoos are just art on PEOPLE.  Ordinary people.  I don’t want to give a tattoo the power to blind me to the person wearing it.

I don’t enjoy my son’s screaming mimi (Christian!) rock music – but if just say, “I don’t like it.  It’s bad.  It’s not really music.”  I’ve shut the door on ever being able to learn to appreciate what it is about the music that my son LIKES.  If I can accept the music as being what it is – “This is just what this music sounds like” – perhaps I can find a new way to relate to my son.  (…OK, there’s gotta be another way!!)

I have enough to do in this life without wasting so much time worrying about other people’s business, and whether I “like” or “do not like” what they’ve done.  In this new year ahead, I want to learn to just appreciate the experiences of life more and more, in and of themselves.   Whether I “like” it or not, I want to taste the flavor of life in all its fullness!

Happy New Year!  Peas, choy and loaves to all!

Most people don’t believe in fairy tales.  At least, they’d certainly tell you that they don’t.  But lately I’ve been thinking about how often we do, in fact, have a script planned out for how our life is supposed to turn out.  Some of us get pretty detailed in building our castles in the air.  God’s supposed to get me into This University, where He’s supposed to find me a wife/husband who is blond, cute, and rich, then He’ll get me this job, in this city, paying this much, and then He’ll give us the correct number and gender of children at the correct timing.  We will never fight, our kids will never rebel, we’ll never get seriously ill, we’ll never have money troubles, we’ll always have a great church, and we’ll reach the end of our life looking back and just marveling at how good God was to us.

Sounds ridiculous, huh?  No one would really expect that, would they?  Probably not – at least, not in so many words.  But I’ll bet if we were really honest, we all have far more specific expectations than we might admit to, or even be aware of.  Want to know the quickest way of finding out what we do actually expect?  Have something go the other way!!  When we find ourselves with that “Wait a minute!  That’s not how it was supposed to be!” reaction, it’s a sure bet that we just hit an unrealized expectation. Our script just got edited.

Last Sunday’s sermon happened to tangentially bring up the Matthew passage where Jesus says, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”  In context, He was speaking of material goods, those that may be stolen, eaten by moths or rusted, though in application we broaden the sense to non-material items of value.  But hearing the passage this time, in conjunction with these other ponderings of late, I was struck anew by the reverse implications of the verse:  we can tell what we treasure most by where we have most set our hearts.

We all pray “Thy will be done”, but if we look at our response to life’s events, I think we can gain insight into what we are truly treasuring.  When things are going the way we want them to, of course, it can be difficult to tell if we’re treasuring God’s will being done or treasuring getting to have our way, but when things go off-script, and our dancing sugar plums explode, it becomes very clear where our heart is.  If what we are actually valuing is having our own way, we are in trouble!

When God took away all the blessings He had given Job, Job’s wife told him to just go ahead and curse God and die.  She must have thought that God had to be awfully mad at Job to do all those nasty things to him, and, if He was that mad, He was probably only waiting for one slight provocation more to squash him like a bug.  Job cursing him?   Yeah, that should do the trick!  Get the suffering over with.  If honoring God didn’t get Job the “right” outcome to the story, then forget the honoring God stuff!  Her reaction to God’s actions prove that she saw God as capricious and vengeful, and that she had her heart set on having things her way.  She didn’t understand God at all.  But Job did!  Job said, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”  I’m sure Job had had his own ideas of what the rest of his life was “supposed” to play out like, visions of his kids and grandkids and his growing financial empire.  Yet Job  acknowledged God’s right to do with and to him whatever He would.  Job didn’t hold any idea that God OWED it to him to continue his future as his past had been.  It wasn’t that Job wasn’t upset, or didn’t ask God about what was going on.  He was, and he did.  However, Job’s reaction to God’s actions prove that he  saw God as infinitely Trustworthy, and that Job had his heart set on God having HIS way, whether or not he, Job, understood it.  He understood God’s freedom to change the script!

When things in our life aren’t going according to script, we have the same choice as Job: to trust “though He slay me”, and be upheld through our trials, or to “curse God and die”, denying ourselves His fellowship and help.  But we’ll only be ready to make Job’s choice if we have first set our hearts to treasure what Job did:  the will of God.   If our heart is set right, last-minute script changes won’t throw us for a loop, because we’ll remember that it’s HIS script, not ours, anyway.

If you must write a script, at least use a pencil, not a Sharpie!  (Just remember, God’s eraser works on BOTH!)

The Pacific NW has been one of the timber capitals of the world since white settlers first came here.  Harvest now is far below what it was in its heyday, but logging trucks still roam the freeways, lumber mills are on the endangered list but not extinct, and the ports still ship forests of poles overseas.  Around these parts, when you say “log”, it creates a clear picture.  Which is why Jesus’ words about “specks” in our brother’s eye and “logs” in our own evokes quite the visual image.

So, I have this friend named Moe.  (OK, that’s not really his name, but in this kind of literature, it’s ok to pretend and make up names so readers won’t know who you’re talking about.  At least, most of them won’t.  Some may guess, I suppose, but I can’t help that, because I have to tell HIS story or the rest of what I say won’t make sense.)  anyway… Moe has a job where he interfaces with the public a lot.  I enjoy listening to him talk about some of the interesting encounters God has arranged for him.  Moe actually prays before work and ASKS God to set up these things, and he talks about feelings of purpose in his being there for them.  But when Moe talks about his boss, or his work schedule… that’s another story.  Then he’s pretty much just any other employee griping about work.

So, the other day I was thinking about Moe and his attitudes.  With the “wisdom” we’re always ‘blessed’ with when it comes to passing judgment on others, I was thinking that maybe I should just have a quiet word with him and point out how much more effective his witness might be if he took a more godly attitude.   Yes, sir, I was in feeling very upright and spiritual.  Gonna help set my brother straight, you bet.  For his own good, absolutely.   Well…

God sighed, chuckled, shook His head, and started up a little conversation.  “So, my beloved child… you think Moe’s got a problem, do you?’

“Oh, yeah.  You’ve shown it to me quite clearly.”

“Oh… I have, have I?  Hmm.  Be that as it may…  Tell me what you think the issue is.”

“Well, you see, from the way Moe complains about his boss, it seems pretty obvious that he isn’t praying for him.  After all, You told us to pray for our enemies, for those who persecute us, or do us harm, and to do good to those who do us evil, didn’t you?”

“You’re certainly right.  I did.”

“Moe runs his boss down pretty freely when he’s with our group.  I know all kinds of details about they guy – none to his credit.  I don’t think that’s very respectful.”

“Quite possibly not.  I’m glad you’ve noticed this.  Now I have a question for you.”

“Umm… ok.”  I always get nervous when God asks me questions.

“Your husband has a job, doesn’t he?”

Oh, good – an easy one to answer.  “Yes, he does, and you know how thankful I am that he has one with all the uncertainties of these times!”

“And what’s the management like there?”

“Lord, YOU know – they’re awful.  I mean, really, really awful.  If there’s a bad decision to make, they’ll make it.  If there’s a way to shaft the employees, they’ll…”

“You’re right.  I DO know.  So I have another question for you.  How long since you prayed for them?”

Boy, He never hesitates with getting up close and personal, does He?  “Um… well… er…. ah…  recently?  Sometime?  Yes, that’s it.  I’m sure I’ve prayed for them sometime!”

“Uh-huh.  And how long since you badmouthed them to someone?”

“Can I plead the fifth?”

“No.  That’s not in My constitution.”

“Oh, all right then.  A couple of days ago when my cousin was here.”

“And before that?”

“At the grocery store. … Bible study. … Church. … On the chat loop. …  In a letter.  …. Can I stop now?  I get the point.”

“OK.  Let’s talk about what you think Moe’s other issue is.  You were thinking of telling him he should think of his work differently?”

Whew.  A chance to redeem myself!  “Yeah.  He gripes and complains about his work schedule as if You had nothing to do with it.  Surely he understands that You are in charge of that, too.  And no matter how grueling it is, he can trust that You’ll get him through it – or get him through the consequences of NOT getting through it!”

“Sounds reasonable.  Now back to Rob’s job.”

Uh-oh.  Turning it back on me again!  Red alert!  “What about it?”

“I hear they’re running the department pretty badly.”

Oh, good.  I was on solid ground here.  (I’m pretty slow sometimes!)  “Boy, howdy, are they!  It’s terrible!  The workers are expected to keep up with all the new technologies and systems without any training.  They’re cutting personnel and pay and increasing our benefit costs and  there’s this ridiculous new building they have to work in that …”

He went for the jugular.

“Yeah, you know, I went on vacation to Bermuda for a few years and just got back and was horrified at what they’d done while I was gone!  I mean, if I’d been around, I never would have let those kinds of things happen.  It’s not as if I could ever have any purpose in those kinds of trials and frustrations, using them to conform Rob to the image of my Son or anything like that.”

Oh, boy.  I walked right into that one, didn’t I?  “Wait a minute!  That’s not what I meant.”

“But that’s JUST what you’re accusing Joe of!  Come on, doesn’t your complaining about all these things sound like you are accusing me of being asleep at the wheel?”

By now, I’m sure my face was blushing fire-engine red.  “Well, now that you put it that way….  sure.”

“And am I the only one you’ve shared these complaints with?

“Ummmmm…..  no.”

“No is right, kiddo!  You’ve been as free in those complaints as in talking about the management.  How long has it been since you read I Thess. 5:18? ‘Give thanks in all circumstances.'”

“Yesterday, actually.  I was thinking …. of …. Moe.”

“But when you think of yourself, where did you find a footnote that said, ‘unless you don’t LIKE the circumstances’?”

“Um…. Hezekiah 3:11b?”

“Har har.  There isn’t one and you know it.  I said ALL and I mean ALL.”

“Well, like I said before, I’ve always been thankful that Rob has a job!  Isn’t that enough?”

“Nope.  Being thankful for A job isn’t the same as being thankful for THIS job.  Don’t you believe that if I’d wanted him someplace else I could have arranged to move him any time I wanted??”

“Well…. yeah.”

“So, you’ve prayed for me to move him, and I’ve said ‘no’.  What does that tell you?”

“That he’s where you want him to be?”

“You got it!  And if he’s where I want him to be, is that something to complain about?”

Sigh.  “No. …  But …. well …. can’t I even talk about them at all?  After all, they are hard things to deal with.”

“Sure you can talk about them.  You just can’t complain about them.  You can ask for prayer about them for you to have a godly response.  You can even ask for Me to change them, as long as you’re ready to accept whatever answer I give.  But I think you’ll find that the more you do what I’ve told you to do – praying for ‘enemies’ like the nefarious management and thanking Me in all circumstances – the less you’ll feel the need to even talk about them. ….  Now, about Moe?”

By now, of course, I was feeling pretty low – lower than a snake’s bellybutton in a wagon rut, as the old saying goes.  Moe’s issue?  Ha!  A speck of dust floating on the breeze.  Mine?  One big, ugly, so-big-you-coud-drive-a-bus-through, old-growth California redwood!  Oh, yeah, it was definitely log harvesting time.   “Wow, Lord, I’ve been really blind, huh?”

“Not the first time, dearheart.  That’s why you need a Saviour, you know.”

“I’m sorry!  Thank you for forgiving me for my own wrong attitudes, and for being self-righteous about Moe’s.  And thanks for keeping me from having that talk with Moe!  It would have been a sin against him to do it….  Not to mention making an even bigger slice of humble pie to eat.”

“Seeing better without that log in your eye?”

“Oh, yeah.  But I have a feeling this isn’t the last of these logs you need to harvest.”

“It’s not, but we’ll deal with them as you’re ready.  This is part of conforming YOU, you know.  I’m happy to do it!”

So… anyone need some firewood?

Reading the Book of Proverbs as I’ve been doing, I have been once again struck by just how many verses there are that deal with matters of the mouth.  Some 60+ verses refer to the “mouth” or to “the lips”, the general depiction being that of a fool’s lips/mouth being loose and getting him into trouble, and those of a wise man being restrained and helping him avoid it.  Jesus Himself said, “…out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. … I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.  By your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned.”  (Mt. 12:34b,ff)  Paul directs several passages toward what is or is not proper speech for the believer.  Wordsmith and chatterbox than I am, few verses in Scripture are as sobering to me as Pr. 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking…”

Hitching this train of thought to the cars from the previous entry on being bigger than our feelings, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about just how much what we say, and how we say it, contributes to the mental/emotional landscape we create.  We set ourselves up, in effect, for good or ill.  And not only ourselves!  There is a psychological phenomena called “emotional contagion”.  Just like it sounds, it refers to the tendency we have to pick up emotional moods from others.  We all know the ‘joke’ about the boss chewing out the salesman, who chews out his wife, who yells at the son, who then kicks the dog.  One insurance company is currently running a commercial the other way; Person A observes someone else doing something kind, so Person A then does something kind for Person B, who then does something kind for Person C, and so on.

One of my own worst problems has to do with talking about things that upset me.  Anyone in customer service will tell you that we are several times more likely to tell others about it if we have a bad experience than if we have a good one.   We are more likely to remember the “jerk” who cut us off on the freeway than we are to note the sweetie who let us merge into the crowded street.  Days, months, even years after some incidences, we still regale in vivid detail the stupidity, idiocy, or thoughtlessness of others.  Pr. 12:16 says, “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult” and Proverbs 19:11 says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense.”  To overlook means “to ignore deliberately or indulgently”.  Even if we miss the chance to overlook an irritant at the time it happens, we still have the choice of choosing to “overlook” it later by refusing to rehash it.  In repeating a story about something that upset us, we often feel those same emotions and feed them to greater heights, rather than diminishing or eliminating them.  If it’s something we could choose to overlook, then we need to quell the compulsion to retell the upsetting, and instead choose to tell the uplifting, which will not only improve our own frame of mind but give others something more positive to “catch” from us.

Phil 2:14ff reads this way in the Phillips translation “Do all you have to do without grumbling and complaining, so that you may be blameless and harmless, faultless children of God living in a warped and diseased age, and shining like lights in a dark world.”  Yet even among Christians, there are those for whom complaining about our boss, our work schedule, our kids, our finances, our churches is a common  past-time.  We seem driven to convince others of just how bad we have it.  Sometimes we even use the opportunity of ‘asking for prayer’ as simply another venue to air our complaint!  We may justify to ourselves that we need to “vent”, but all too often that is simply an excuse for trying to find attendees for our pity party, or getting others to validate our anger and feelings of put-upon-ness, or getting others to take up an offence on our behalf.  Unless our “venting” is being done as a true seeking for wise counsel on how to respond to a situation in a godly fashion – with a full intent to follow that counsel! – we’re better off sharing the frustration with the Lord only, and finding something more positive to talk about with others.

Over and over again in Scripture, we are enjoined to be careful of how we talk.  While it is true that “from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks’ (Mt. 12:34), it is also true that what we say and how we act influences what is in our heart.  If we ACT the way we want to feel, we are likely to end up feeling more of the way we are acting.  It’s not about pretending when we don’t WANT to be different; that won’t work.  It’s about choosing to act the way we want to be, and our feelings following in line with our will.  If we set our lips to give thanks for God’s blessings, to speak words of encouragement, to tell of the good things going on in our lives, to remember God’s mercy and rejoice in His unfailing love, because we WANT to be someone whose words are known for being the kind that “build others up”, it will be difficult for our heart not to follow – and that will give us more good words, which will lift our hearts, and so on.

Since we’re all “contagious”, let’s be sure it’s for good!

My granddaughter, Beverly, is now in the “tender twos”, so tantrums come with the territory.  Some, of course, are for “show” –  the tears are “on tap”, the crying “canned”, and the misery a mirage.  Others, though, are of the real, honest-to-goodness “I’m tired and hungry and things aren’t going my way and I just can’t take it anymore” variety.  The issue that sets it off isn’t what fuels it to keep it going.  Those tantrums are an expression of helplessness.  Once the tantrum starts, Beverly’s feelings of anger and frustration simply overwhelm her.  She has yet to learn the important lesson that SHE is bigger than her feelings.

I’ve been thinking about this area lately, not just for kids throwing tantrums, but for adults and how WE deal with our own feelings, especially of anger and frustration.  Somehow, for most of us, it’s enough to just stop throwing tantrums; we never carry the application of the principle through as far as it could go.  We accept that we can, or should, control our actions, because we are convinced that our will is stronger than our impulses; even when we do what we know we shouldn’t, such as having that second piece of pie, we know that we could choose not to.  (I’m not talking the pathological here.)  In the same way, we need to consider that we can, and even should, control our emotional responses.  I don’t mean that we can necessarily choose our immediate, visceral response to a situation, but we can choose our next response!  We need to learn to be bigger than our feelings, too!

God clearly expects us to do so.  Consider all these verses:

Ps. 4:4  In your anger do not sin;  when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.  Offer right sacrifices and trust in the the LORD.

Ps. 37:8  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil.  For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

Pr. 16:32  Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

Pr. 19:11   Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offence.

Pr. 22:24  Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

Pr. 29:8   Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger.

Pr. 29:11  A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Pr. 29:22   An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

Pr. 30:33  For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.

Ecc. 7:9  Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Matt. 5:22  [Jesus said]  But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.

2 Co. 12:20   For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be.  I fear that there may be quarrelling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorder.

Eph. 4:26  “In your anger do not sin.”  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Eph. 4:31   Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Col. 3:8   But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these:  anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Jam.  1:19, 20    My dear brothers, take not of this:  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Some take “in your anger, do not sin” as condoning anger, but looking at it through the totality of the Scriptural witness, that doesn’t wash.  The focus is not on the fact that yes, we do get angry, but rather on the need to be very careful where we let that anger lead us.  As James sums it up: man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.  Why not?  Anger may lead us to stop listening, to harden our hearts, to shut our eyes to another’s point of view, to speak ill of others, to be foolish, to foster dissension, to show unforgiveness, to seek revenge (no matter how subtly!), to be ungrateful, or to sin in any number of other ways.  It places Me at the center stage.  (side note:  We talk about “righteous anger”, but since Jesus was the only Righteous One, I’m not convinced that WE can ever truly be “righteously” angry, even when angry about the same kinds of things that God is angry about.  There is not one Scripture that commands us to be angry – even “righteously angry” – about anything.)

The modern notion is that one may define emotional tendencies in static categories, as if they were immutable characteristics that others must simply accept and deal with. “I’m just not a patient person” “I just can’t help myself – I get mad and have to vent, but then it’s all over, so everyone should be cool with it. I don’t mean anything by it.” “I’m just naturally grumpy.”  These excuses won’t stand up in Biblical court.   God would not warn us – no, command us – about controlling our anger if it were not, in fact, possible for us to do so. No matter our natural tendencies, the Christian life is about living unnaturally above them.  We can choose to turn away from anger.  This isn’t the same as “stuffing” it, burying it alive to fester and eat us up from the inside.  It means deliberately choosing to let it go, replacing it with giving thanks, with forgiveness, with sympathy, with reason, with whatever fits to disarm it.  This doesn’t apply only to the big Angry, either!  When talking about anger, we tend to think of “anger management” issues (that most of us don’t have), or the “seeing red” variety, which most of us don’t experience that often, but there is a vast spectrum of anger down from those extremes that all of us do experience.  Oh, we may not call it being “angry”; we substitute “frustrated”, or “a little ticked off”, or “bugged”, or “upset”, but they’re all actually just mild versions of that same emotion.  The more we conquer our little angers, the easier our victory over the big ones.

I’m especially intrigued by the verses that speak of being “slow to anger”; that is a characteristic of God given in a number of Scripture references.   This speaks not just of turning away from anger, but of choosing not to get angry in the first place!  Whether we were born naturally more tolerant and easy-going or not, we can learn to become that way.  For example, I have a great tendency toward impatience.  (When people have gushed, “Oh, you must be so patient, for God to give you FIVE children!”, my reply has always been “No, I’m terribly IMpatient – that’s why God gave me five children:  to teach me some lessons.”)  A number of years ago, I decided to take one specific situation – waiting in lines – and try to deliberately change my response.  Being impatient didn’t make the line move any faster, after all!  If anything, it made it seem slower.  It certainly raised my blood pressure.  Worst, it led me to judge my fellow line-mates without compassion and made me  more inclined to be short with the clerk.  The root of my impatience was PRIDE – as in “I’m really the only one who matters here and everything should go smoothly so that I am not inconvenienced!”  Not pretty, huh?  So, with God’s help, I decided to deliberately counter my complaints with reasoning.  If I said, “This is taking for-e-ver!”, then I answered myself, “No, this is just taking a few more minutes than I expected.  God has His reasons.”  “Why is that clerk taking soooooooo loooooooong with that person????” Answer: “The clerk is giving that customer the same service I would want her to give me.” or “Every clerk is new at some point and has to learn.  I might not do any better.” or “Maybe she’s having a really bad day and has had customers being really mean to her.”  Thinking “Hey, lady!  You’re supposed to have your check ready, ya know!” forced the confession “I’ve stood there chatting and forgot to get my checkbook out, too.”  Do I still get impatient sometimes?  Sure.  But I can honestly say that most of the time, I am not bothered by being in line anymore.  It is certainly a much more pleasant feeling than standing there stewing.  And being patient not only improves MY day, but that of others: my attitude of patience sometimes helps others in line, and I love getting up to a frazzled clerk who looks up, expecting to find hostility, and being able to give her a sincere smile!

In the book “The Happiness Project”, by Gretchen Rubin, she talks a lot about the concept of choosing our emotional responses deliberately rather than simply being reactive.  There are many famous people through history who have written about setting themselves to be cheerful, happy, uncomplaining, etc.  Rubin quotes Ste. Therese of Lisieux who said that, “for the love of God and my Sisters … I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.”   If we can control our anger, as we are clearly expected to do, and which is the strongest negative emotion we have, then there is no reason not to believe that we can likewise exercise control on the side of setting our minds toward positive emotions – gratitude, cheerfulness, patience.  If we do that, just think of the impact we could have on our families, our coworkers, our churches, on all we meet!

I have a feeling this could be the start of something big….