A modest confession
Posted on: November 6, 2011
One of the things that I get the most pleasure from is reading and studying and delving into corners of trivia and searching out knowledge, on all kinds of subjects. There are lots of explanations why I find it so enticing, I suppose. I’m wired that way, certainly. Like the elephant’s child, I’m full of “‘satiable curtiosity.” More than that, though, I like certainty. I find great satisfaction in feeling that I’ve got a firm handle on a subject. There is great security in having things all figured out.
The older I’m getting, though, the more God’s been turning a lot of what I thought I knew on its head, and showing me that things I’ve been told are so, and things I may have even taught others are so….. well, aren’t. Trying to look at Scripture through new eyes, rather than looking through the glasses of the traditions in which I was raised and have spent my adult life, I am coming to a point of seeing both greater simplicity and greater complexity than I saw before.
There are certain basics of salvation that are clear and absolute. No question there. However, I am finding in many other areas of doctrine that I am now perfectly content to let Scripture simply stand just as it’s written, accepting the Mystery rather than trying to explain the inexplicable. The more I study Scripture, especially looking into the original language used and reading various commentaries, often each with a different take on what the passage “means”, the more I realize that much of what is taught as “truth” is, in fact, putting words into God’s mouth that simply aren’t there.
Why do we do that? Because it’s easier to force precision onto what is actually obscure than it is to grapple with the frightening freedom of the undefined. Like the Pharisees, we figure we’ll help God along by explaining the things He forgot to be explicit enough about. We do it on a church level, defining our ‘ologies and ‘isms to the nth degree so we can be sure to distinguish among the Sneeches on the church beaches. We do it to ourselves, reading into the sacred text all kinds of new Laws for Christian Living. We don’t call them that, of course; we call them “Biblical principles” or something else. No matter what we call them, though, the fact is that all too often we are taking a few verses on a subject and extrapolating and expanding them and elevating them to a new absolute by which we can either assure ourselves that we are doing “right”, or criticize others for being “wrong.” We like that feeling of certainty!
For example, take the subject of modesty, as defined by the specific style of clothes one wears. By how much emphasis the subject gets in some Christian circles, you’d think there must be very clear definitions in the Bible of just what constitutes “modest dress”. There are, in fact, exceedingly few verses relating to the subject of modesty at all, and one of them give particular definition to the term. That sure hasn’t stopped many and many a preacher or church from “filling in the blanks”, though! I’ve heard sermons preached even today that claim Scriptural authority for defining modest clothing for women as dresses only, below the knee, round necked, no sleeveless, plain cut, and plain colored. That’s extrapolating in major fashion.
I’ve never accepted those definitions of modest dress, feeling they went too far and didn’t have enough Scriptural basis. But that’s not to say I didn’t have my own set of rules about the subject! Oh, my, no. Now, understand, my intention (and that of those claiming specific Scriptural source) was good, and perfectly Scriptural: I didn’t want to cause my brother to stumble. The first problem comes in that, no matter how good my intent, like others, I elevated my definition to the level of a moral issue. Wearing the Proper Clothes became an expression of Christian character – one more thing to check off on my list of Good Girl Things I Did Today. The second problem follows quite naturally on the heels of the first. Having elevated the definition to an absolute Right and Wrong, it became a Pharisaical law by which I not only ruled myself, but by which I judged other women’s “modesty” on whether or not they dressed to MY standards of what a “decent Christian woman/girl” should be wearing. God, being the gracious God that He is, finally called me on it one it one day. “Really, kiddo, which is worse: HER offending your personal definition of “modest” by wearing a ———– or YOUR condemnation of her which breaks MY specific Scriptural injunction against judging your brother? Hmm?” ouch.
It’s one of the Enemy’s favorite traps: get us to define what God does not, puff ourselves up with self-righteousness over it, then bash others over the head with it. Paul reminded the Galatians, who were falling for that trap again, that “it is for freedom you have been set free.” We are not to put ourselves under a yoke of slavery to manmade rules again, no matter how virtuous and righteous they might sound, because law will never get us where we need to go. We have been saved by Grace; we need to walk in Grace. We give up rigid regulations for Grace-guided governance. We accept His offer of freedom, learning what it is to walk in Love, with all its unknowns and individualities, even though it may not be as “comfortable” at first as having all those jots and tittles to go by.
I’m still learning just what that freedom means in this area. I haven’t changed much of my wardrobe; I’m still comfortable with my own standards for myself. I haven’t changed many of my opinions, either, insofar as there are still fashions I’d prefer others not wear. What HAS changed is that now I can let that difference in taste be just that: a difference in taste, not a character value. I’ve been able to start letting go of the burden of feeling the need to play Fashion Judge for the world, extending the freedom He’s given me to others. He’s turning my focus from those externals of “What Not to Wear”, to how loving God and experiencing His love can engender true modesty in me.
In all modesty, I think a right heart will suit me better than the right clothes!
Happy Reformation Day!
Posted on: October 31, 2011
First, a correction: The Steven Curtis Chapman song I referenced in my last post was written after the Columbine massacre, which was several years before his daughter’s death.
Next, a clarification: I didn’t originate the “blab it & grab it” nickname for the misguided “name it & claim it” teaching popular in some circles. I don’t remember where I first heard it.
Finally: HAPPY REFORMATION DAY! This is the 494th anniversary of the day Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses for debate onto the door of the church at Wittenberg, an event which is generally considered as the signal fire that started the Protestant Reformation. Our family has never celebrated Halloween, seeing as much sense in a Christian celebrating Halloween as in a non-Christian celebrating Christmas or Easter, but we certainly do celebrate Reformation Day. The cry of the Reformation still echoes today: Faith alone! Grace alone! Scripture alone!
The popular name for this night, Halloween, comes from “All Hallowed E’en” (evening). It was only important (to Christians, anyway!) because it was the night before November 1st, All Saints Day – a day to remember all those saints who have gone before us into Glory. Have you ever pictured that long chain of saints, hand holding hand holding hand, reaching down through all the generations of man? The Church of Now shares communion with the all the Church of the Past! Those saints triumphant stand in a cheering section, silent to our ears, but deafening in heaven – that “cloud of witnesses” that surrounds us. Take some time to think of those who have been the most influential in your life, the legacy of faith that has come to you, whether from your own family by blood, or from your family by faith. GIVE THANKS for that marvelous gracious gift of God – and pray fervently for opportunities where you may be that saint that someone else will remember some years down the road! “One generation will commend Your works to another; they will tell of Your mighty works.” Ps. 145:4
If you don’t know this hymn, google it and find the tune. It’s the perfect anthem for All Saints Day.
“For all the saints who from their labors rest,/ who Thee by faith before the world confessed,/ Thy name, O Jesus, be forever blessed!/ Alleluia! Alleluia!/ … O blest communion! Fellowship divine!/ We feebly struggle, they in glory shine;/ Yet all are one in Thee, for all are Thine./ Alleluia! Alleluia!/ And when the fight is fierce, the warfare long/ Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,/ And hearts are brave again, and arms are strong./ Alleluia! Alleluia!/ … The golden evening brightens in the West;/ soon, soon to faithful warriors comes their rest./ Sweet is the calm of Paradise the blest./ Alleluia! Alleluia!”
Here’s hoping!
Posted on: October 29, 2011
The other day I listened to a CD I haven’t listened to in quite a while, a Steven Curtis Chapman. I was enjoying singing along, and then it hit. That song. I’d forgotten it was on this album. It’s a song written after the death of his 5 yo daughter. I cry every time I hear it – which is not always a good thing when one is driving in Seattle traffic! The song is honest in its expression of bewilderment. It doesn’t attempt to dodge the questions. It doesn’t attempt to read the mind of God and put explanations in His mouth. But what the chorus does is hold up a startlingly clear declaration of what should be every Christian’s theme: “But we can cry with hope. We can say goodbye with hope, ’cause we know that goodbye is not the end. And we can grieve with hope, because we believe in hope. There’s a place where we’ll see your face again.”
With hope. Paul tells us in I Thessalonians 4:13 that we should not grieve like “the rest of men, who have no hope.” What if this isn’t talking just about grieving for death? What if we applied this thought to the rest of our lives? What would it be to walk in hope?
Hope is founded on an absolute certainty of God’s goodness. When it comes down to it, either we believe He is good, or we don’t. All worrying is a statement of doubt in either God’s love, His goodness or in His ability to carry out His will. All of Scripture is one long expression of His love, though Romans 8: 31-39, Paul’s famous elaboration on the subject, is a favorite ‘mini-treatise’. As one of my favorite hymns puts it “Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made, were every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade – to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry, nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky!” To walk in hope here, then, is to be convinced that He loved me yesterday, He loves me today, and He will love me tomorrow. Nothing that can happen, nothing I can do, nothing anyone else can do, can change that. And HE cannot change, either!
Romans 8:28 says “For in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose.” And what is that purpose? Paul tells us in v. 29: “For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers.” Our ultimate good – the good that God is working for through every situation in life that comes our way – is that we become more and more like Christ. No matter our situation, then, no matter our circumstances, we can walk in hope that that good is being accomplished. No matter what man’s intentions may be, no matter the apparent origin of our circumstances, we can have absolute trust in God’s intentions for us in them.
And as for His ability to carry out His will… Remember the Lord’s question to Abraham, after Sara laughed at the idea of having a baby? “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” With God all things – ALL things – are possible. The universe was created by His Word. The barren have given birth. The lame have walked, the blind have seen, the dead have risen, the Good News has been preached to the poor. He has fed the thousands and calmed storms. He orchestrates the heavens, calls the stars by name, orders the seasons. He calls forth wind and rain, sunshine and frost. He sustains all of life, from the simplest amoeba to the most complex of his creations, man. The Savior has died and resurrected and ascended, conquering death and Hell and the power of sin FOREVER. We can walk in hope that He is able – no matter what, no matter how, no matter where, no matter who.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus reminded His listeners that every thing we need, God already knows. He hasn’t somehow “overlooked” something, or forgotten to take some situation into consideration. There isn’t some complication that He didn’t see coming. Everything we need that will accomplish His will, the purpose for which He called us, WILL be provided. Period. If we say we have an “unmet need”, we are calling God a liar. Jesus said we are to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Why? Because that way is to walk in hope. That way is to care more about God’s purpose for our lives being accomplished than about whether our situation is what we think it should be or not. The more we understand of God’s kingdom – His rule, His sovereignty, His power – and the more we submit to His conforming process for ourselves – emptying ourselves of our own will so that all may be HIS – only then will we be able to place a proper perspective on the “all these things” which will be added. Christians aren’t promised that they will always have everything they will need to maintain temporal life; millions have died of want, of sickness, and of persecution. We are promised, however, everything that we need to maintain Life. That is our hope.
In the book “Jesus Calling” I found the statement “Anxiety is the result of envisioning a future without God.” Too often, we fret about what “may” come to pass, about the “what ifs”, just like the world does, grieving as those who have no hope. We need to walk in hope, and encourage one another in hope. Hope isn’t an “everything will be ok” platitude that wallpapers over a crumbling wall. It’s not a “blab it and grab it” assertion to try to force God to perform what we believe He should do. No, hope looks every ugly possibility square in the face and yet sees in it the face of God, trusting to His everlasting love for us, His all-encompassing intent for our good, and His unlimited power. Hope means that we can express the honest feelings of grief or pain or bewilderment because we know the certainty of our hope is greater than those feelings. We can ask the hard questions that our circumstances may give rise to, because our hope does not rest in our understanding of the “whys” of God, but in God Himself.
So, whatever we do, let us not do it as the world does. Let us grieve with hope, cry with hope, suffer with hope, endure with hope, face the future with hope, no matter what things look like from our earthly eyes.
In a world with no hope, let hope be our hallmark!
Matters of the mouth
Posted on: October 27, 2011
Reading the Book of Proverbs as I’ve been doing, I have been once again struck by just how many verses there are that deal with matters of the mouth. Some 60+ verses refer to the “mouth” or to “the lips”, the general depiction being that of a fool’s lips/mouth being loose and getting him into trouble, and those of a wise man being restrained and helping him avoid it. Jesus Himself said, “…out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. … I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. By your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned.” (Mt. 12:34b,ff) Paul directs several passages toward what is or is not proper speech for the believer. Wordsmith and chatterbox than I am, few verses in Scripture are as sobering to me as Pr. 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking…”
Hitching this train of thought to the cars from the previous entry on being bigger than our feelings, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about just how much what we say, and how we say it, contributes to the mental/emotional landscape we create. We set ourselves up, in effect, for good or ill. And not only ourselves! There is a psychological phenomena called “emotional contagion”. Just like it sounds, it refers to the tendency we have to pick up emotional moods from others. We all know the ‘joke’ about the boss chewing out the salesman, who chews out his wife, who yells at the son, who then kicks the dog. One insurance company is currently running a commercial the other way; Person A observes someone else doing something kind, so Person A then does something kind for Person B, who then does something kind for Person C, and so on.
One of my own worst problems has to do with talking about things that upset me. Anyone in customer service will tell you that we are several times more likely to tell others about it if we have a bad experience than if we have a good one. We are more likely to remember the “jerk” who cut us off on the freeway than we are to note the sweetie who let us merge into the crowded street. Days, months, even years after some incidences, we still regale in vivid detail the stupidity, idiocy, or thoughtlessness of others. Pr. 12:16 says, “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult” and Proverbs 19:11 says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense.” To overlook means “to ignore deliberately or indulgently”. Even if we miss the chance to overlook an irritant at the time it happens, we still have the choice of choosing to “overlook” it later by refusing to rehash it. In repeating a story about something that upset us, we often feel those same emotions and feed them to greater heights, rather than diminishing or eliminating them. If it’s something we could choose to overlook, then we need to quell the compulsion to retell the upsetting, and instead choose to tell the uplifting, which will not only improve our own frame of mind but give others something more positive to “catch” from us.
Phil 2:14ff reads this way in the Phillips translation “Do all you have to do without grumbling and complaining, so that you may be blameless and harmless, faultless children of God living in a warped and diseased age, and shining like lights in a dark world.” Yet even among Christians, there are those for whom complaining about our boss, our work schedule, our kids, our finances, our churches is a common past-time. We seem driven to convince others of just how bad we have it. Sometimes we even use the opportunity of ‘asking for prayer’ as simply another venue to air our complaint! We may justify to ourselves that we need to “vent”, but all too often that is simply an excuse for trying to find attendees for our pity party, or getting others to validate our anger and feelings of put-upon-ness, or getting others to take up an offence on our behalf. Unless our “venting” is being done as a true seeking for wise counsel on how to respond to a situation in a godly fashion – with a full intent to follow that counsel! – we’re better off sharing the frustration with the Lord only, and finding something more positive to talk about with others.
Over and over again in Scripture, we are enjoined to be careful of how we talk. While it is true that “from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks’ (Mt. 12:34), it is also true that what we say and how we act influences what is in our heart. If we ACT the way we want to feel, we are likely to end up feeling more of the way we are acting. It’s not about pretending when we don’t WANT to be different; that won’t work. It’s about choosing to act the way we want to be, and our feelings following in line with our will. If we set our lips to give thanks for God’s blessings, to speak words of encouragement, to tell of the good things going on in our lives, to remember God’s mercy and rejoice in His unfailing love, because we WANT to be someone whose words are known for being the kind that “build others up”, it will be difficult for our heart not to follow – and that will give us more good words, which will lift our hearts, and so on.
Since we’re all “contagious”, let’s be sure it’s for good!
No Rolling Stone
Posted on: October 14, 2011
I’ve always been one for remembering things. I have a lot of knickknacks or pieces of jewelry or clothing that remind me of a person, or a place, or a time. I have the New Testament my dad carried in WWII. I have a jewel-toned turquoise blouse that belonged to my roomie in college, then we shared it, then she gave it to me and I’ve had it ever since. With the advent of hot tea season here in the Pacific NW, I’ve been enjoying a “Toadally Texan” mug (with a silhouette of a horny-toad) that my dear friend gave me on my visit last summer; when I look at it, I remember Terryl, and my visit… and I smile. No wonder then, that I love the story from Joshua 3 and 4 where the Israelites cross the Jordan, and Joshua has one man from each tribe choose a stone from the middle of the riverbed to pile up on shore as a reminder for generations to come of what the Lord had done for them.
One other way I remember things is that I write them on my calendar. I have a BIG calendar on my wall. Not one of those with the pretty picture on half of it. 18′ x 30″, nothing but days and days with lots of lines in them. In addition to the usual suspects of appointments and such, I track birthdays (though this year I managed to forget to move my s-i-l’s over a day, so wished her happy birthday a day early – oops!) and anniversaries (with which one it is). I keep track of deaths in the family of friends, reminding myself to pray for and send notes at major holiday times. But one of my favorite things about my calendar is that I also keep track of all kinds of events of the past. I can tell you exactly which day we moved into this house, or bought each of our cars, for example. When Jillian was hospitalized with rotavirus, when Phil had his leg surgery, Cherry had her appendix out, the day Jillian, the baby of the bunch, was taller than Mommy – all are duly noted. It is tremendous fun through the year to be reminded of those events in our lives.
Today is an anniversary of an important event in my life. In September of last year, I began seeing a counselor after years of marital and family conflict. On the advice of that counselor, I went to see a psychiatrist. Exactly one year ago today, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. For many people, I realize that this would be dismal. What an awful thing to get hit with, huh? In reality, though, it was a blessing! I (and my family and friends) had been suffering its effects for some thirty years, without knowing what was going on. Getting that diagnosis, rather than being something to be depressed about, was actually a relief. Having a NAME for something, being able to pin a “why” on what’s going on – even when the explanation is bad, it’s easier than the not knowing. So, what has this year meant?
First, let me tell you what being bipolar was like. Bipolar II is a somewhat milder form of its more infamous big brother, with highs not quite as manic, and lows not quite suicidal, and on either end you don’t generally get psychotic. Bipolar isn’t just about fluctuating moods, though! My mind was constantly racing, never quiet; if I was upset about something, I was like a hamster in a wheel and couldn’t get away from the constant cycle of those repetitious thoughts. I sometimes had very odd, disquieting impulses. For example, I hated being near the edge of heights because I always had the impulse to throw something off; an “odd” impulse when you’re talking about my camera or my glasses, but very disturbing when you’re talking about my baby! I thought about cutting a finger off whenever I used a knife, wondered what it would be like to drive my car off a bridge, and so on. (Obviously, I never acted on any of those impulses. I never talked about them, either. What do think I am, crazy?) I couldn’t see myself to recognize when I was pushing too hard, being too vehement, being too convinced of my own rightness. When something upset me, I watched myself explode with anger, ranting and raving and venting, unable to stop myself even as I knew I was not being rational, feeling utterly trapped. (Oh, how I loathed myself for that! Oh, how I prayed and prayed and repented and repented, to no avail. Duh!) It wasn’t always like that, of course; there were moments along the cycle up and down when I was in the middle and relatively normal. As close to normal as I get, anyway! Most people who’ve known me have had no idea of what was really going on. But not even my kids, not even Rob, knew the half of what was going on in my mind.
The search for finding the right medication and the right dose for bipolar averages 18-36 months, but in my case, we found it in 6! Within a few weeks of starting lamatrogine, it was like waking up from a dream. My family and friends noticed a difference, which definitely witnesses to the reality of the change! My mind has been able to get off the hamster wheel of obsessive preoccupation with thoughts of the things that have been such sources of conflict here at home, and break free of many other traps as well. I am no longer a prisoner of anger, although, it having been such a habit for so long, there are still remnants. (Seeing now that my previous anger wasn’t something God held me responsible for – hence the seeming lack of effectiveness of repentance – is tremendously relieving; now I get to work on dealing with the anger that He DOES hold me accountable for! Yikes!) Although most of the situations of conflict haven’t changed, I’ve let go of caring about them. If they change, great; if they don’t, oh, well. I am changing myself, and changing what lies within my sphere to change. I’m not waiting for others to change first, or even change with.
God’s grace doesn’t depend on our understanding, and only someone who has been down to places I’ve been to can understand how amazing it is that He holds on to us when we can no longer hold on to Him. His grace never changes, but I am experiencing it now in new ways, able to understand in new perspectives not clouded by malfunctioning grey matter. I am being challenged in areas of trust and gratitude. I know that my family suffered much pain because of my condition; I am learning to accept that somehow even that is part of God’s plan for their life, that even the ugliness is part of the beautiful Good that He works in all things for those Who love Him. I am on a journey of discovery of who I am – not me-as-wife, not me-as-mother, but just ME, who I was created to be, bipolar and all, for it still affects me, though it no longer dominates me.
Bipolar isn’t curable. My meds could stop working. I have no promise that the clarity in which I walk today will be there for all my tomorrows. But for now, I am thankful for this reprieve, and here I raise my stone from the Jordan, or maybe my Ebenezer.
“Here I raise mine Ebenezer.
Hither by Thy help I’m come.
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home.”
Let the good times roll – but may that particular stone stay put!
being bigger than your feelings
Posted on: October 9, 2011
My granddaughter, Beverly, is now in the “tender twos”, so tantrums come with the territory. Some, of course, are for “show” – the tears are “on tap”, the crying “canned”, and the misery a mirage. Others, though, are of the real, honest-to-goodness “I’m tired and hungry and things aren’t going my way and I just can’t take it anymore” variety. The issue that sets it off isn’t what fuels it to keep it going. Those tantrums are an expression of helplessness. Once the tantrum starts, Beverly’s feelings of anger and frustration simply overwhelm her. She has yet to learn the important lesson that SHE is bigger than her feelings.
I’ve been thinking about this area lately, not just for kids throwing tantrums, but for adults and how WE deal with our own feelings, especially of anger and frustration. Somehow, for most of us, it’s enough to just stop throwing tantrums; we never carry the application of the principle through as far as it could go. We accept that we can, or should, control our actions, because we are convinced that our will is stronger than our impulses; even when we do what we know we shouldn’t, such as having that second piece of pie, we know that we could choose not to. (I’m not talking the pathological here.) In the same way, we need to consider that we can, and even should, control our emotional responses. I don’t mean that we can necessarily choose our immediate, visceral response to a situation, but we can choose our next response! We need to learn to be bigger than our feelings, too!
God clearly expects us to do so. Consider all these verses:
Ps. 4:4 In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the the LORD.
Ps. 37:8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
Pr. 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
Pr. 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offence.
Pr. 22:24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Pr. 29:8 Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger.
Pr. 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Pr. 29:22 An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.
Pr. 30:33 For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.
Ecc. 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Matt. 5:22 [Jesus said] But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.
2 Co. 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarrelling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorder.
Eph. 4:26 “In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Eph. 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Col. 3:8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
Jam. 1:19, 20 My dear brothers, take not of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
Some take “in your anger, do not sin” as condoning anger, but looking at it through the totality of the Scriptural witness, that doesn’t wash. The focus is not on the fact that yes, we do get angry, but rather on the need to be very careful where we let that anger lead us. As James sums it up: man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Why not? Anger may lead us to stop listening, to harden our hearts, to shut our eyes to another’s point of view, to speak ill of others, to be foolish, to foster dissension, to show unforgiveness, to seek revenge (no matter how subtly!), to be ungrateful, or to sin in any number of other ways. It places Me at the center stage. (side note: We talk about “righteous anger”, but since Jesus was the only Righteous One, I’m not convinced that WE can ever truly be “righteously” angry, even when angry about the same kinds of things that God is angry about. There is not one Scripture that commands us to be angry – even “righteously angry” – about anything.)
The modern notion is that one may define emotional tendencies in static categories, as if they were immutable characteristics that others must simply accept and deal with. “I’m just not a patient person” “I just can’t help myself – I get mad and have to vent, but then it’s all over, so everyone should be cool with it. I don’t mean anything by it.” “I’m just naturally grumpy.” These excuses won’t stand up in Biblical court. God would not warn us – no, command us – about controlling our anger if it were not, in fact, possible for us to do so. No matter our natural tendencies, the Christian life is about living unnaturally above them. We can choose to turn away from anger. This isn’t the same as “stuffing” it, burying it alive to fester and eat us up from the inside. It means deliberately choosing to let it go, replacing it with giving thanks, with forgiveness, with sympathy, with reason, with whatever fits to disarm it. This doesn’t apply only to the big Angry, either! When talking about anger, we tend to think of “anger management” issues (that most of us don’t have), or the “seeing red” variety, which most of us don’t experience that often, but there is a vast spectrum of anger down from those extremes that all of us do experience. Oh, we may not call it being “angry”; we substitute “frustrated”, or “a little ticked off”, or “bugged”, or “upset”, but they’re all actually just mild versions of that same emotion. The more we conquer our little angers, the easier our victory over the big ones.
I’m especially intrigued by the verses that speak of being “slow to anger”; that is a characteristic of God given in a number of Scripture references. This speaks not just of turning away from anger, but of choosing not to get angry in the first place! Whether we were born naturally more tolerant and easy-going or not, we can learn to become that way. For example, I have a great tendency toward impatience. (When people have gushed, “Oh, you must be so patient, for God to give you FIVE children!”, my reply has always been “No, I’m terribly IMpatient – that’s why God gave me five children: to teach me some lessons.”) A number of years ago, I decided to take one specific situation – waiting in lines – and try to deliberately change my response. Being impatient didn’t make the line move any faster, after all! If anything, it made it seem slower. It certainly raised my blood pressure. Worst, it led me to judge my fellow line-mates without compassion and made me more inclined to be short with the clerk. The root of my impatience was PRIDE – as in “I’m really the only one who matters here and everything should go smoothly so that I am not inconvenienced!” Not pretty, huh? So, with God’s help, I decided to deliberately counter my complaints with reasoning. If I said, “This is taking for-e-ver!”, then I answered myself, “No, this is just taking a few more minutes than I expected. God has His reasons.” “Why is that clerk taking soooooooo loooooooong with that person????” Answer: “The clerk is giving that customer the same service I would want her to give me.” or “Every clerk is new at some point and has to learn. I might not do any better.” or “Maybe she’s having a really bad day and has had customers being really mean to her.” Thinking “Hey, lady! You’re supposed to have your check ready, ya know!” forced the confession “I’ve stood there chatting and forgot to get my checkbook out, too.” Do I still get impatient sometimes? Sure. But I can honestly say that most of the time, I am not bothered by being in line anymore. It is certainly a much more pleasant feeling than standing there stewing. And being patient not only improves MY day, but that of others: my attitude of patience sometimes helps others in line, and I love getting up to a frazzled clerk who looks up, expecting to find hostility, and being able to give her a sincere smile!
In the book “The Happiness Project”, by Gretchen Rubin, she talks a lot about the concept of choosing our emotional responses deliberately rather than simply being reactive. There are many famous people through history who have written about setting themselves to be cheerful, happy, uncomplaining, etc. Rubin quotes Ste. Therese of Lisieux who said that, “for the love of God and my Sisters … I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.” If we can control our anger, as we are clearly expected to do, and which is the strongest negative emotion we have, then there is no reason not to believe that we can likewise exercise control on the side of setting our minds toward positive emotions – gratitude, cheerfulness, patience. If we do that, just think of the impact we could have on our families, our coworkers, our churches, on all we meet!
I have a feeling this could be the start of something big….
Two days ago, my second granddaughter, Naomi, was born. It’s so fun watching a newborn! She wiggles and stretches, arches and curls. Her face scrunches, then she lifts her eyelids open by pulling up all the way from her scalp. Her little mouth smirks and grimaces and yawns. But brush her cheek, and automatically, that head turns and pursed lips open in search of that wonderful source of nourishment, Mom’s breast. And when she’s actually hungry? “Waaaaaahhhh! I want my milk and I want it NOW!” Once she’s latched on, her obvious satisfaction with her sustenance is amply attested to by her many little pleased sighs as she swallows. Unlike her sister, who had great difficulty nursing, Naomi gives all the indications of being a champion at it.
Baby’s are designed to want to nurse, and to eagerly desire Mom’s milk. The more science learns about breast milk, the more amazing we realize is God’s design of it. Breast milk is a living liquid, its nutritional composition changing with every feeding, with the time of day, with the age of the infant. Morning milk is highest in fat, which is why that first-shot-of-the-day nursing tends to leave our little ones lolling sated like a slightly drunken sailor. Evening milk is thin and poor in comparison, which is why Baby tends to want to be a prime-time permanent attachment. Any germs Baby has contracted are passed back to Mom through the nipple; her immune system manufactures antibodies that are then passed back to Baby through the milk, helping keep Baby from getting sick. (Though, of course, if Mom succumbs to it, Baby probably will get it, too!) Although the modern trend is to start infants on solid foods between 4-6 months, babies can grow on just breast milk for up to a year. It is that complete!
So … watching the eagerness with which Naomi approaches nursing has had a verse running through my head the last few days. It’s from I Peter 2:2 “Like newborn infants, crave the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation – if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.” The point, of course, isn’t that we are to stay forever infantile in our spiritual walk! The focus is rather on the intensity with which we should be seeking our spiritual sustenance, what sustenance we should be seeking, and what the purpose of that sustenance is.
Though some translations use the alternate phrasing of “long for” or “desire”, I like the term “crave” because it carries a note of intensity with it that isn’t as clear as the others. Most women who have been pregnant can relate to that word “crave”! When you’ve got a craving, your mind, mouth and stomach are fixated on one thing, and one thing only. You want it so badly you can smell it, taste it, feel it in your mouth. It can keep you awake at night thinking about it. Like a newborn infant, then, we are to crave – earnestly, fervently, intensely desire – our spiritual milk. We need to be careful that we don’t let ourselves get so distracted by other things in this life that we forget to get hungry!
We also have to be careful what we let ourselves get hungry for. We are to crave “pure spiritual milk”. The Greek word for ‘spiritual’ here is from the same root as Logos, the Word, so in this context, our milk should be coming from the Word of God. It needs to be pure – not pasteurized, not homogenized, nothing added. Whole, not skim or 2%. There are numerous inspirational authors out there, libraries full of thought-provoking books, nearly endless challenging sermons to be listened to. All have their benefits, but none should ever take the place of that pure spiritual milk that, like breast milk, is living and active, fresh each time you partake of it, meeting each new need as it comes.
What’s the purpose of that milk? Is it just to make us feel full and happy? If a baby were nursing perfectly well but wasn’t gaining weight or changing at all from what he was as a newborn, we’d know there was a problem, because any normal infant who is getting plenty of good nourishment and care is going to grow and develop. In the same way, those who are feeding on the Word should be growing and developing, too. The Greek term used in the verse – “…so that you may grow up into salvation…” – refers to the normal development of children into adulthood. The sanctification process is like child development, a growth process, a creeping-crawling-cruising-toddling-walking-running progression into maturity. We will never be perfect, and the more mature we get the farther we realize we have to go, but the general trend should always be one of moving forward.
One of the qualities of breast milk is that it is naturally sweet. It’s not just good for babies; it tastes good, too! It is in every way desirable. In the same way, we who are believers HAVE tasted and seen that the Lord is good. He has saved us by His grace, through no effort of our own, from the depths of sin and hell. Is that not goodness? He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in Him. Is that not goodness? He has given us sunrise and sunset, sunshine and rain, mountains, oceans, flowers, a whole world of wonder. Is that not goodness? If you are reading this, you are obviously ALIVE, breathing, with vision and wit enough to understand (and I to write!) Is that not goodness? If we keep in mind just the goodness of the Lord that we have already tasted, it should surely whet our appetite for more!
So…… got milk?
This train doesn’t go there
Posted on: September 25, 2011
A few months ago I picked up a habit again that I have done off and on since college – reading the chapter of The Book of Proverbs that corresponds to the day of the month.
I love the rich visual imagery used in so many of the proverbs, such as 11:22 “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” or 26:2 “Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest”. Or how about the section dealing with the young man caught by the adulteress, who goes with her as “an ox going to the slaughter, or a deer stepping into the noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare.” From the one comparing a nagging wife to “constant dripping on a rainy day”, you get the idea that the writer had some experience of what he was writing about!
There is a such a wealth of wisdom to be found in this book. Like all Scripture, it is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. 3: 5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” is probably one of the most well-known verses in Scripture. 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” is echoed in many other passages throughout the Bible. However, one thing the Book of Proverbs is not is The Book of PROMISES. There is a difference between what is Truth and what is a truism. The dictionary definition of a proverb is “a short popular saying, usually of unknown or ancient origin, that expresses effectively some commonplace truth or useful thought.” Even the definition for a Biblical proverb is “a profound saying, maxim, or oracular utterance requiring interpretation”. The book says of itself that these are “teachings” and “sayings of the wise”. We need to be careful about making them all into “thus sayeth the Lord” absolutes.
There are many proverbs that speak in black and white of what is never that cut-and-dried in real life. Look at 13:25 “The righteous eat to their heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry”. Do these verses mean that there can never be a hungry Christian? Of course not! If proverbs are absolutes, then what do we make of 16:7? “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies live at peace with him.” There are times that this proverb has been realized; we all have seen or heard of godly men and women who have won the respect of even their opponents. However, every prophet ever killed, every Christian ever martyred – our Lord Himself on the cross! – stand as witnesses to the fact that this is a truism, not a promise.
When it comes to parenting, of course, the ultimate example of this proverb-as-promise misconstruction is (all together, now, 1, 2, 3): “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (22:6) It’s engraved on our gray matter. It’s the mantra of a plethora of parenting books. Many a parent of a prodigal clings to it as fiercely as a drowning man does a life-raft. The trouble is, of course, that it is NOT a promise.
This proverb is generally true. The majority of adults live lives on a trajectory begun in childhood. Thus, children who are raised with godly training in a loving home where God is glorified will, indeed, more often than not, continue on that drift upon reaching adulthood. BUT there have been, are, and ever will be those that eschew their training, some of whom will return to their roots after a sojourn away, and some who will not. With examples of this from past and present surrounding us, why are we so ready to try to turn this proverb into a promise?
I believe the reason is that if we take it as a promise, it puts US in control of our children’s destinies. We can accept salvation by grace for ourselves, but by golly, we are going to save our kids by our works! If we just do everything “right”, then we can be certain of the outcome, either by keeping our kids on the path in the first place, or by putting into play a spiritual boomerang effect that will compel them to return to it at a later date. Oh, how we want guarantees for our kids!
The first brick wall we hit in trying to force this proverb into promise status, though, is …. ourselves. If we take this as a promise, then it is predicated on the perfection of our parenting to activate it. That is, how our kids turn out rests entirely on our shoulders. If our kids turn out to be all that we hope for, then we get to take all the credit for it; we must have trained them right. If our kids go off the path, we may take the defensive position that we did train them right, so of course they’ll be back, or we may blame ourselves for it, making assumptions of having God-like knowledge that if we’d done this differently or that better then certainly our kids would have gone the right way; we must not have trained them right. All of these responses are wrong, for all are focused on us and our own efforts and a perception of what those efforts earn us a right to: a guaranteed outcome.
Now, even assuming for just a fraction of a second that we could be perfect parents, the second brick wall to taking this proverb as a promise is the other party in the transaction – our kids. Kids are not simply a product of their upbringing and situation. The world is full of people raised in similar situations, even in the same home, who nevertheless developed in totally different ways. One abused child grows up to be a caring, compassionate social worker, while another becomes a sociopath! God was the Perfect parent for Adam and Eve, yet they walked wide-eyed awake right off the path, knowing full well they were doing so. Our kids are born with their very own full-up supply of Original Sin, and no matter what we do or do not do as parents, no matter how close we come to being God-perfect in how we train them, our training cannot control what their response to it will be. Though they will generally tend to follow the path they start on, it doesn’t always play out that way. Our children’s choice can trump any training.
If they do choose to walk away? This proverb is not a promise that they’ll be back. That’s the hard but simple truth. No matter how much it hurts to think about, we can’t focus on the “old” as a talisman against the possibility that the circle will be broken. To do so is a false hope, for it is predicated on our trust in our training and a denial our children’s self-determination.
Neither the perfection of our parenting nor the reliability of our children’s responses are anything to trust. So what do we do? We train our children in the way they should go with the best of the wisdom that God gives us – and then we let them go. If they continue in the path on which we set their feet, then we praise God and thank Him for His surpassing grace that brought them there in spite of our imperfect parenting. If they leave the path, then we put our hope, not in our training of them, but rather in the sure and certain knowledge of God’s infinite love, justice, and mercy, never ceasing to bring our children’s names to the throne of grace, yet leaving the ultimate outcome in His hands. We do the best we can as parents because it is the right thing to do, not because it’s our quarter in the Proverbs 22:6 gumball machine so we get out our promised outcome.
Training may bring our kids to the station, but it won’t guarantee their ticket onto the train bound for glory.
A covered event
Posted on: September 18, 2011
It can be interesting reading through an insurance policy and looking at just what all is considered a “covered event”. House blown up by a gas explosion? Yes. By a terrorist’s bomb? No. Kitchen flooded by a nearby overflowing stream? No. By a break in the line to your ice-maker? Yes. Health insurance has its own intricacies. It’s always up to the insured to understand what is or isn’t covered. Sometimes, even if something is covered, if it’s found that you didn’t exercise “due diligence” in trying to prevent an occurrence – failing to maintain your vehicle’s brakes, doing your own faulty wiring, leaving doors unlocked – you could find your insurance company refusing to pay up, or at least reducing your claim payment.
I was thinking about this while reading a sobering and excellent article last night on parenting, “Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers” by Reb Bradley http://www.familyministries.com/HS_Crisis.htm. (There’s also a shortened version of it on Josh Harris’s blog.) The author does an excellent job of dissecting a number of problems common not just to homeschoolers, but some of them to parents in general, especially those of conservative bent. I would recommend it for any parent who wants to be challenged to self-reflection. But be warned – if your kids are already grown or well into their teens, and you see yourself in this article, you could end up feeling terribly guilty, exceedingly depressed, and convinced that you had thoroughly “blown it”.
That’s a common type of parenting regret. We parented following some direction – maybe some teaching, a book, a class. Or maybe we just went with our own intuition. We were so sure we were doing The Right Thing! Our intentions were entirely honorable and lofty, and because we knew that our goals were right, we were convinced that our methods must be as well. Then somehow we ran across somebody who challenged our ideas – an article like this one, a talk with a friend, a talk show – and we started seeing things in a different light. We realized that what we’d been doing wasn’t, in fact, the best way after all. We didn’t MEAN to short-change our kids, but we just didn’t know better.
Then there are things we did know. We may like to comfort ourselves by saying, “Well, I did the best I could” – but we all know that’s not always been true. We don’t always do the best we could. We often do “know better”, but for whatever reason, we choose not to do it. We’re tired, so we yell. We’re frustrated, so we make a hasty judgment in a dispute. We’ve got a headache, so we get sarcastic. We’re in a hurry through our own fault, so we get impatient at the naturally slower tempo of our children. Whatever our excuse, sometimes we just do make the wrong choice.
All parents have regrets of the general wish-I’d-done-it-differently type, too – things that weren’t “wrong”, per se, but that if we had it to do over again, we’d change. Less housework, more Play-Doh. Less “no” and more “yes”. More “Way to go!” and less “Cut that out!” More mud puddles, less hurry. Maybe we wish we’d gone camping, or travelled, bought a bigger house, bought a smaller house, did more school, did less school. There’s never a shortage of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.
Sometimes the things we feel bad about are things that were beyond our control. I have always had a major temper problem with my kids. It frightened me how angry how quickly I could become. I yelled. A lot. Over-the-top! Part of me always felt “trapped” inside, watching myself do those things, unable to stop myself, hating what was going on, but unable to stop, no matter how much I prayed about it or had others pray for me. A year ago, I was (finally!) diagnosed with Bipolar II, a somewhat milder version of the more infamous form most likely to make the news. Suddenly, I understood what was going on all for those years. (I’m on medication now that has made a wonderful difference.) Although I know intellectually now that I was not responsible for those bipolar-induced anger episodes, it doesn’t stop my heart from still aching over the pain my family went through.
So… what does all this have to do with insurance?? As far as God is concerned, all those mistakes of parenting are COVERED EVENTS! Yes, indeed. Says so, right there in our insurance policy. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. and “If we confess our sins, God, Who is faithful and just, will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John. 1:9 and “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” It means just what it says. Whether we need forgiveness for doing what we knew we shouldn’t, or grace for doing wrong out of ignorance, for not doing what we wish we had, or for doing what we couldn’t help, it’s all COVERED! He never says, “Well, you should have known better, so this one you’re stuck with.” or “I told you so!” or “How could you?!” No, His forgiveness and grace cover everything, mercifully, freely, with abundant grace.
The insurance commercial shows everything rewinding back to where you have all your old life intact, as if the disaster never happened, but of course, we know real life isn’t like that. Forgiveness and no condemnation don’t mean we get a “do over”. The fact that God has covered our sins and short-comings, doesn’t necessarily change the situation we’re in – but it should change our perspective and how we deal with whatever we face. We may still feel sadness over the past, but rather than wasting precious time and emotional energy beating ourselves up over things that can’t be changed, we need to extend to ourselves the same compassion that HE does. He remembers our frame far better than we allow ourselves to. We cannot change the past, any more than Paul could erase his haunting pre-conversion history, but, like him, we can press forward and change what we’re doing now. When we see through God’s perspective of being covered, He can help us remember that while we are responsible for how we parent, our kids are responsible for their response. We’ve all seen kids come from great families yet end up going wild, or from terrible families yet turn out great, haven’t we? It’s simplistic – and even egotistical – to try to take all the blame or credit ourselves for how our kids turn out. What a relief to let go of that burden! I think the most important thing about grasping what it means for all our sins, errors, faults, short-comings, and regrets to be covered is to understand that God is bigger than our blunders, and we can trust that He will use even our blunders for His purposes. There is nothing we have done as parents that is beyond God’s ability to deal with. Nothing we have done has ever caught God unawares or unprepared. He’s never yet said, “Oh, my goodness, I didn’t see that one coming. Now what on earth am I going to do??” Unlike the insurance agent who must wait for the call to know of a claim, He not only knows the call will come, but is already planning the repairs before we even know we’re going to need them.
We’re not just in “good hands” – we’re in the Best. We don’t just have a “good neighbor”, we have a loving Father. Our Agent paid a premium no one else could pay to get us our policy, and there are no exclusions on it. Relax! He’s got us covered!
Cooking ahead
Posted on: September 14, 2011
I don’t particularly care for cooking, so I try to find ways to reduce the time I spend on it. For instance, I just spent about 5 hours cooking. I buy large quantities of hamburger, and chicken and process them all, then vacuum pack and freeze them; some I freeze as full dinners – garlic lime chicken, meatloaf, Swedish meatballs – and some as ready-to-use for other dishes. Bags of cooked burger may end up as stroganoff, spaghetti, chili or tacos; shredded chicken may be chicken alfredo, burritos, or Jillian Likes It Rice Casserole. It gives me an incredible feeling of security to have all those dinners in the freezer, ready at a moments’ notice, tasting like they were just made. One long day of cooking gives me two months of benefits!
However, there just are some foods that don’t lend themselves to being done this way. Macaroni and cheese? Yeah, freezing just doesn’t work. Our favorite Scandihoovian pancake-type dish, aebleskivers, simply must be hot out of that lovely dimpled pan or they’re just not …. aebleskiver! I suspect souffles would probably fall in this category, too.
I’m afraid I sometimes seem to think I could run my spiritual life like I do my cooking. I could spend a nice, long afternoon doing reading and prayer, and then I’d start making my bags. I would make a few bags of patience, for example. Faithfulness. Forgiveness. I’d prepare some gentle answers, and a some encouragement. Hope would make a nice package, too. For the really desperate, last minute times, there would be prayer and trust. Maybe I could just get a dehydrator for the Fruit of the Spirit. (Fruit leather, anyone?) Once I had all everything nicely bagged up, I could toss them in storage and never give them another thought until I needed one, then – voila! – pull it out and all would be well. One afternoon’s spiritual work for several months’ sanctification!
Doesn’t work that way, though, does it? The disciplines and virtues of the Christian life need to be fresh daily. If we haven’t been working on developing patience along the way, it’s foolish to think that when some big test of it comes along it’s suddenly going to be there. If we haven’t been practicing forgiveness in all the little things that happen in life, how much harder will it be to forgive when a truly horrendous thing happens? If we don’t work on trusting Him when we can see at least part of our way, it will be hard going to trust Him when we find ourselves in the deep dark. God certainly is merciful and may grant the “prayer of last resort” – but how much better to be in such constant communication that prayer is our first line of defense rather than the “last desperate measure”!
Just as His mercies are new every morning, so should our journey with Him be. It can be good to have the occasional long day of concentrated spiritual preparation, the weekend retreat, the conference, but those can never take the place of the day in and day out, step by step walk with Him. As others have said, little things done frequently matter more than great things done infrequently!
All this talk of cooking is making me hungry. Think I’ll go find a snack… There are brownies in the kitchen – FRESH, not frozen!
the susie solution 