the susie solution

Finally getting a chance to finish up telling you about our Christmas. And this time, I have pictures!

If Christmas Eve was “O, Holy Night”, Christmas Day was definitely “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”! This will definitely go down in our family history as one of the most zany and outrageously funny ones we have EVER had.

For a number of years now, our family has been trying to do things other than the traditional gift thing. Partly this arose from the fact that with this big a family, it gets awfully expensive, not to mention difficult, for everyone to get everyone something. Besides, and more importantly, buying stuff just for the sake of buying stuff – even to say “I love you” – when we already have MORE than enough stuff, seems pointless. So, for a few years, the kids did a round-robin exchange. Then they had each person do a donation in the giftee’s name and give the giftee some little something connected with that organization. Last year, we all pooled of our Christmas gift money and sent one big donation to an organization my brother is involved with. This year, Bethy suggested we do our own things about donations, and do a round-robin exchange of “I would if I could” gifts. That is, “If neither time, money, nor physics were an object, I would give you …..” A new car? A bigger house? A vacation in France? A trip to the moon? All the tea in China? The only limit would be our imaginations. If desired, you could also give a real gift related to the imaginary one, but the important thing was the imaginary one.

For some of us, it was an invitation. As Brooke put it when I announced that I would be texting each person with the name of their intended victim, er, recipient, “Let the shenanigans begin!” For a few, there was at first a “Huh? What on earth am I gonna give X?!?” reaction, but blank stares were quickly replaced by gleams in the eye, mischievous grins, and “Oh, boy, this is gonna be GOOD!” Those of us who knew something of what others were doing pitched in with extra ideas, helping to hone the projects to perfection. The results couldn’t have been more worth it!

Phil gave Bethy her dream house – big house, nice front porch, huge yard with gardens. All she has to do is assemble the 300 pieces of the jigsaw! Jillian gave Brooke a house, too, specifying a number of rooms, such as one JUST for her sewing, complete with a fashion runway. (Brooke is a fashion design grad.) It also came with a huge kitchen for her to play in and all kinds of equipment for cake decorating – starting with the set included in the package.

Bethy gave me three letters. The first is dated 12/20/2014, from writing agent Walter Wordsmith, telling me how blown away he was by the manuscript my daughter submitted for me of my first book, Raising Five Kids with Five Brain Cells, congratulating me for being on the New York Times best-seller list for 15 weeks, and suggesting two more books. The second letter, 2/21/2015, from Spurilious Publishers editor Douglas Inktopolous, confirms the contract for the second and third books, and says he hopes to see the draft for the second – Where Are My Kids and Who Are These Teenagers? – by Christmas. The third letter is from film director Frank Philographer letting me know how the filming of the story based on my third bestseller, Rockin’ & Rollin’ On the Front Porch Swing, is going. I get a cameo appearance, of course, and “(after reviewing the 217 photos your husband submitted) the casting call for child actors for that scene was quietly dropped since your actual grandchildren are clearly cuter.”

To Darien, the fitness buff getting a degree in kinesiology so he can be a personal trainer, Brooke gave the gym of his dreams, and suggested services such as a wind tunnel for sky-diving training, indoor rapids racing, a 5 story climbing wall, shark tank swimming lessons, rabid wolverine wrestling, Temple of Doom Endurance obstacle course, and King David’s Mighty Men certification. Bonus gift: 5 year exclusive contract with Brooke’s imaginary clothing company to produce all his “gym swag needs.” Along with this certificate came the T-shirt Brooke made, as seen in the photo.

Cherry gave her dad some coffees from around the world, and a note that said, “If money were no object, I would pay for you to spend a year travelling the world, taking pictures and tasting exotic coffee.” The funny part, though, was that the first time she printed the note up, she used a fancy font that looked very dignified an official-like….. Reading it, however, she realized that the “x” looked almost identical to the “r”, which gave “exotic” a rather unfortunate appearance!

My brother, Tim, a physics prof at Azusa Pacific, was up from SoCal to see our mom. He is a wonderful guy, witty, thoughtful, tender-hearted….. and as disorganized as you will ever find. He is chronically behind on grading tests and papers, his office shelves look like an office supply store exploded, and I don’t know if he even remembers what color the carpet is under all the files, books, and other detritus thereon. So, we gave him a new app – the “iDO”. When he needs something done, he just has to say, “Who wants to …?” and “iDO!” Jillian designed the button for it with many helpful suggestions for the app to do, such as “schnorfle the snickerbokers” and “unfrazzle my frumpkis”.

Jillian is a major Dr. Who fan. (If you’re not, you probably won’t get this.) So I gave her a little computer monitor bobblehead of the Tardis, a DVD of the 50th anniversary episode, and a note with a picture of David Tennant (her favorite doctor) that said, “Come fly with me! You have been chosen as the Doctor’s new companion to defeat the Daleks, outwit the weeping angels, and have many adventures with that wibbly wobbly timey wimey…. Oh, you’re back already! Hope you had a good time!”

To nephew, John, who is part of a medieval knights re-enactment troupe, went participation in a full re-enactment of Henry V’s Battle of Agincourt –with a little set of knights and castles Legos to practice with. Tim’s wife, Beth, whose daughter and family moved to Oklahoma this year, bringing on an acute case of grandchild-withdrawal-syndrome, got a Star Trek transporter.

Darien gave Nathan a huge workshop in which to create interesting and/or destructive electronic toys. So what’s with the slice of pickle, you ask? That’s a loooooooong-standing family joke. When I was in high school, my brother Corey gave me a bookbark that was all green and on the top corner looked like it had a bite taken out of it. The bookmark read, “This isn’t a bookmark. It’s a flat pickle.” So, every Christmas, at various times, someone will make a joke about some package being a flat pickle. Darien just figured it was about time someone DID get a flat pickle!

The two most elaborate gifts were put together by the two family members who I think any of us least expected it from. Nathan gave Cherry a trip around the world. That is, he wrote out THREE PAGES of an itinerary. It detailed where she’d go. It detailed how she’d travel – for instance, by elephant from Thailand to Australia. It detailed the kinds of things she would buy where, and came complete with homing drones to carry all of her purchases home so she wouldn’t have to worry about shipping. The description was filled with bits such as “Run out of money? Just print more. (Hey, it works for the government!)” In the very first paragraph, she was instructed to bring with her a bag of marshmellows, and throughout the trip, there would be a reminder about that bag of marshmellows. At the end, she finds out that that day is the pilot’s birthday, and, luckily, she has a birthday present on hand for him: a bag of marshmellows!

To Phil, Rob gave a Seahawks Superbowl package for him and three friends. (Yes, they ARE going to the Sueprbowl. The Seahawks, that is, not Phil and friends.) The package included flying to New York in Paul Allen’s private jet; staying in the same hotel as the team; having a team Visa card to use for all expenses; being in on all the practices, film reviews, coaching meetings, etc.; being in the locker room before the game and running out the tunnel with the team, carrying the 12th man flag; getting to sit in … all the various places in the stadium where they have coaches and spotters and whatever, as well as in the VIP booth. And when the guys return home, Phil will be greeted by Brooke and the girls who will just have gotten home from a trip to any spa of their choosing in the world! This was all detailed in about FOUR pages of description, complete with photos of all the relevant people named. And it came with a Seahawks lanyard to carry his VIP pass on.

Yep, this Christmas is going to be awfully HARD to top!!

When I think of Christmases growing up, I think of a lot of FUN. And quite often, my mom was at the bottom of it. She always found the coolest, funniest, most intriguing little things to put in our stockings. There was the Christmas of The Wind-Up Cars. She found these tiny little funny wind-up cars that went Zip!, and we each got one in our stocking. I’m not sure who started it, but that whole holiday, I remember that every meal was accompanied by cars zipping across the table hither and yon, crashing into glasses and plates or launching off the edge. Her creativity in wrapping was amazing; every package was a work of art. I remember one package like a scene around a little silvery foil lake, with cotton snow, cut-out pine trees, and paper-clip ice-skates for the skaters. Mama loved secrets, and hiding things, and the fun of the discovery – though she did occasionally hide things too well. Until maybe my teens, there seemed to be a tradition that she always forgot one of my presents somewhere. One of my siblings would ask what I thought of my new thus-and-so, I’d looked puzzled, and they’d holler, “Mama! You forgot the –!” And Mama would stand trying to think just where she’d put that…. She always did remember. Sooner or later.

I could go on for pages with funny memories from those Christmases long past, but I won’t. The point is that Mama and Christmas fun are entwined in my memories of childhood, so how incomparably fitting it is that this, the last Christmas where she will be present, should have so much fun in it?

Now to start working on ideas to do for NEXT Christmas! Mama won’t be there – but her spirit of fun and legacy of laughter sure will!