It has come to my attention that I have neglected to write a post I should have written some months ago.  Forgive me.

On March 25, I posted “Resurgence” when I was in the grip of a bipolar down.  It had been going on since some time in the fall of last year.  It actually started gradually easing off some weeks after I wrote the post, and the pendulum is still swinging toward the other extreme, which isn’t a good thing, but FEELS better.  However, my life had exploded about a week before I wrote the post, was in absolute chaos for several months, and has continued to be punctuated by periods of frantic activity, so that frankly, I didn’t remember that I needed to write this.

What happened was this:  I am caregiver and power-of-attorney for my husband’s cousin who lives here in town.  Call her M.  Her history with her son, A., is long and complicated.   Enough to say he got out of a 19 year stretch in prison 3 years ago and hasn’t made much of a go at life on the outside.  Events were such that it led to an incident with him on March 18^th that sent M. to the hospital for self-harm from emotional distress, and convinced me (backed by the staff at the hospital, and the responding police officers) that a protection order against him was needed.  As I was going into court on the 21^st to petition for the emergency protection order, I received a call that M. had fallen and severely fractured her right femur 5” above the knee.  (It was 4 days later I did the Resurgence post.)  The next 6 weeks were a nightmare.  It took 4 hearings related to the protection order before it was at last granted.  A. agreed to a drug treatment plan, but never showed up for it, resulting in two more hearings. M. spent 10 days in the hospital and had a 12” plate and 14 screws put in to mend her leg, then was sent to a rehab facility 30 miles up the freeway because Group Health was spooked over the protection order.  2 hours after arriving there, M., who is diabetic, suffered a major sugar crash, but it took me over half an hour to convince the staff that it was that, NOT just that she was having trouble “adjusting” to being there!  (She could have actually died had I not been there.)  The duration of her 5 weeks there were little better.  Once she got out in May, the poor home physical therapy she received resulted in her actually going BACKWARD, so that she went home almost ready to give up her wheelchair entirely, but within a month was barely able to stand.  She had multiple doctor appointments. I, too, had multiple appointments to catch up on issues I hadn’t been able to deal with during her incarceration at the rehab place.  My daughter had some health issues going on in her family, so I watched the girls, one or all, a few times.  When we got to June, A. violated the protection order twice, and was picked up on drug charges in between.  At the end of June, my brother from Texas was here for 3 days, and my son, wife and two granddaughters for 10, around the wedding of our younger son on the 28^th.  My dh retired on the 30^th.  Through July, there were one or two hearings each week for A.’s violations of the protection order.; I attended most of them as M.’s representative.  Toward the last of July, M. spent nearly a week in the hospital with the most severe case of esophagitis the doctors had ever seen; the area of her esophagus from mid-throat to her stomach as like raw hamburger.  (Because of her cognitive issues, I have to stay with her most of the time to be sure she is getting the proper care.)  On August 8^th, A. reached plea deals on the protection order violations.  He should have remained in jail pending trial on the drug charges, but was mistakenly released, and is currently being sought to be returned to custody.   About 2 weeks ago, I developed bursitis down from my right hip, and have had problems with my low back and left shoulder off-and-on to add to the fun.  Just over a week ago, a dear niece living across the state who has been on/off homeless, with major issues with substance abuse, called and said she was coming over here and wants to get into a recovery program.  The journey so far has been, um, circuitous, let’s say.  Maybe she’ll get here tomorrow.  Maybe not.  After that, God knows.

A little bit busy, yes?

Back to Resurgence…. It was the first time I had ever gone so public while still in the middle of a bad stretch (and it was far from the worst it can be, at that.)  My purpose in doing it was to be vulnerable and try to give the “normals” out there a glimpse into my world, and give the rest of us a voice.  The post had very mixed success, to say the least.

On the up side, I got a lot of positive feedback that both of those goals were accomplished for some in the audience.  On the down side, some people actually dismissed what I expressed as me just being “dramatic”, or as “exaggerating” the situation, even making sarcastic comments about my references to “the Monster.”

The end of my post got by far the most misinterpretation.  It’s a natural enough response when someone we care about says they are hurting to want to reach out and say “I love you”, quote a Bible verse, give some word of encouragement.  I said I wasn’t writing my post to solicit any of those; I already KNOW that’s how those who love me feel, but right then, I didn’t want to be inundated with a slew of emails to respond to.  I stated that if folks chose to send the kind of verbal hugs I had just said I wasn’t asking for, I was likely not to respond.  Right then, I was just too overwhelmed.  (Remember, this was only 4 days after M.’s fall and surgery and starting the protection order process!  I was spending 10 hours a day at the hospital, trying to keep on top of things at home, trying to gather documentation I’d need for the protection order hearing, AND dealing with the Monster – it was sometimes all I could do to just keep breathing.)

Some people sent things anyway. “I know you probably won’t answer, but I still want you to know…”  That was fine!  In fact, I have TREMENDOUSLY appreciated those of you who have continued to write as normal, just keeping me up on what’s going on in YOUR life, even if I haven’t answered.  I have appreciated those of you who have called just to say a quick hi, or chat about nothing special.  I have appreciated those of you who have asked questions such as, “How are your grandkids?” or “What are your kids up to?” or “Has Rob retired yet?”  (And those of you who’ve listened to me vent?  YOU are priceless!!!)

To my chagrin, though, some folks read the paragraph as if I had said, “Don’t. Talk. To. Me.”  And with all kindly intent, they shut me out of their life.  I didn’t know that, of course, because, well, they shut me out of their life.  I’ve only recently learned about it as circumstances have brought a few back in contact.  Please forgive me that I didn’t make myself clear enough; I was writing in a rather desperate state.  If you thought that’s what I meant, please end the silence, ok?

Other than my physical ills – which, face it, are a never-ending issue, though the scenery rotates – life is reasonably calm at the moment.  M. is doing much better in all respects; out-patient physical therapy is helping her rapidly regain her mobility.  A. will hopefully be back in custody soon and spend a few years in prison, out of trouble.  My niece … well, we’ll see.  Rob and I are adjusting to his retirement.  We’re almost to the point of feeling like it’s not just a long vacation.  We thoroughly enjoyed the visits with my brother and son and family in June.  The kids are all doing well, although three of them are in need of employment.  Two of my oldest daughter’s girls – the 4 and 2 yo.s – were diagnosed with celiac, and the dad most likely, awaiting  biopsy reports, so we’ve plunged into the Gluten Free adventure.  My grandprincesses continue to be enchantingly adorable. 3 yo Nona recently told her dad that she was “UNdisobeying.”  4 yo Fiona was running naked to “give [her] bellybutton some air.”  6 yo Beverly is reading – um, no, devouring – American Girl books, Calvin and Hobbes, and Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.  4 yo Naomi is still my kitty girl who love kitties “because they are quiet and do not jump up on you.”  2 yo Rosie was heard in the car scolding the sunlight, “Weave!  My!  Wegs!  A-WONE!!!”  And God is still good, as always.

For now, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the …. Monster sleeps.  And I am grateful.